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Wednesday, December 24, 2014

Conclusions and Commencements

It is only properly fitting that 2014 begins and ends within the same bit of prose, the same blog entry.

For the first time in seven years, I have be strangely removed and silent within my journey when it transposes to the authoring of my walk. I have not been myself this year in all associations of that moniker, but I also have grown in ways that have been immeasurable. My heart has never known such pivotal pain, sadness, maturation, fullness, regret, guilt, elation and indecisiveness. My soul has swung from pole to pole in its arch of good versus evil, and I likewise have shouldered my walk with both angels and devils alike. I have held the hands of the innocent, the persecuted, the strong, the feeble, the loving and the dismayed and much to my own disdain, the blood still taints the creases of my flesh in each moment. I have pushed myself to the brink this year, challenging my body and spirit like a malleable vessel spinning recklessly upon a vintage pottery wheel. Stretching my limits, but unaware and inattentive to the foregone outcome of the chaos and intention of the moments, the undulating cycles continue to haunt my step and bring disaster to my doorstep.

I have deceived hearts through my absence of truth. I have rallied strength through war cries and lifted people out of their own pits. I have saved lives while sentencing others to die for their own displaced loyalty. I have sacrificed others for my own insecurities and pain and likewise been slaughtered to bring reprieve to the selfish. I am saintly to some and a sinner to others. It is the ever present dichotomy of my existence. It is the 2-face reflection that I dare hide from myself, the split down the middle image of who I am versus who I want to be. Who I am? Who do I dare choose to become?

It is same year that I have overcome physical obstacles, pain and injury to rise from the ashes of my paltry existence and gather my strength and resolve. It is the same year that I have known no greater sense of personal disappointment and regret within my heart. I have wiped my own tears, swaying in disparity from the depths of love & happiness to the bowels of deceit and despair. I have witnessed the torment and thrashing pain that demonstrating love to me has caused. I have occupied the minds and hearts of those foolish enough to see more than what I truly am. Never before have I known such a breath of emptiness. My daughter has failed herself, not me for she could never fail her father, never fail my love for her. She is now gone, departed from my abode, my life. Such promise, I surmise. Probably what countless others have said about me and my life when I crashed and burned a couple decades ago. I still carry the ashes from my own crash site. I emerged alone, judged, devalued, jaded but committed with an iron will to succeed against all odds. Don't bet against the dark horse.

I sit here typing. Reminiscing. Pecking at plastic keys, pouring out my heart on a glowing white and gray electronic screen. I sit here typing in the dark. My new found stray dog breathing loudly on the cold travertine floor beside me. For now, my only companion. The only company that understands not the horrors of loving me. She has been healed by my hand. A very rare occurrence for anyone in my life. I sit here in outward silence screaming at the memories illustrated by the last 360 days of my existence. Recalling every moment, every smile, every tear, every pain, every bit of elation. For how momentarily the moments were, they still comprise my story, my reel of 2014.

Looking back I can only find troubling reasons to dare not glance, nor illuminate the pictures that flutter through my head. I see images, a multitude of images. Reminders that every day presents choices. Every day junctions, everyday crossroads. Every day decisions that play not merely a minute but pivotal role in the road we travel and who we choose to accompany us. I pray in earnest that I balance my heart with peace in 2015. I choose what leads me back to the side of the facade that I want to feed. The side the reflects my heart and its purity, forgiveness, strength, purpose, humility & honor.

For my dedication this year, I was crowned both a Spartan and a serpent. A hero and a heretic. A savior and a sinner. I was emblazoned with both medals of victory and crosses of condemnation. I wear them both well. Alas, isn't that life at its purest? What is a good man, except a bad man's teacher? I don't desire adorations, embellishments, nor trophies of my travels. I have never collected my winnings, never sought ribbons for my performances. Do what you do then step back, it is the only path to serenity. The medals draped across the breastplate of my life shield the sunlight from my wounds but I know of their existence, their truth.

I tip my hat to this past year and all of my moments.
I bid you farewell. I have learned from my mistakes and grown in equal measure.

My travels shall continue....

More sunlight. Less darkness.