My status

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Reporting In.....How Andy earns a living.... :)

I sit here at work....actually here is a photo of my desk area: (click pic for larger image!)

I have been meaning to stop and explain what I actually do for about the last 12 years, but I think it would be too hard to explain...suffice it to say that things like optical backbone engineering and routing tables such as this make perfect sense to me:

Gateway of last resort is to network is subnetted, 1 subnets
D EX [170/28416] via, 02:57:29, Vlan90 is subnetted, 4 subnets
D EX [170/28416] via, 02:57:29, Vlan90
B [20/0] via, 02:57:29
B [20/0] via, 02:57:29
D EX [170/28416] via, 02:57:29, Vlan90 is subnetted, 2 subnets
D EX [170/281856] via, 02:57:29, Vlan90
D EX [170/281856] via, 02:57:29, Vlan90 is subnetted, 1 subnets
D EX [170/3072] via, 02:57:29, Vlan99

I really enjoy my work and all that is involved, especially the hardcore technical aspects of it. It is quite fun designing, maintaining and managing very large & complex networks and directing the engineers responsible for keeping them working properly.

It is a largely unheralded job, that cuts with a double sided blade...a sliver of realization that you are just as close to being the hero as you are to being the scapegoat, so keep your wits about you and remember, you are only as good as your last performance. No laurel wreaths collecting dust around here. :P

I will route your packets for ____________

Life is good,

Saturday, September 15, 2007

Stepping out of the past...

I am so stressed right now trying to get past the damage to my home, its rebuilding after Katrina tore it in half, and now finishing it up to sell it all away. I bought this home before I was married and thought it would be a great place to live, to raise children, to teach good lessons, to simply...enjoy life. After getting married young, we managed to get out there and find ways (when young and broke) to make it work. It was always a struggle, a struggle to maintain, a struggle to manage, a struggle to keep up, and a struggle to simply enjoy. There were times when I was truly proud of my place, but it always seemed there was so much more work to do than would ever get done. With my job requiring so much overtime, travel and out of pocket effort, it become a property of condemnation instead of a sanctuary. I never got past this and I never truly overcame my feelings of despair. Now, I sit here on the brink of selling it, making decent $ on the property....the end closing in finally, and I am still stressed about it.

I never realized the full potential of this place, I never was able to fully master its maintenance, management and care but I tried so hard for over 11 years to make it a place worth living. I am proud that I restored it back to a glory that it hadn't seen ever in its existence, I made it beautiful home and for that I do feel a slight degree of happiness. I am grateful for the times that I share here with my 2 children, their lives, their memories, their experiences. For the friends, family and events that transpired here, I am thankful likewise. No, regretably they were not always good times, in fact I would say most were not, and for some twisted reason I recall each moment like an overplayed track stuck in a mindless repitive groove on a old 45 caked with the dusty memories of times long gone. I am so honored to have been part of its brief passage in time, passage in my life, some 33% of my life was spent on that property, that parcel of land, that slice of "Americana"...

Why is it so hard to complete, so hard to pull together now, so hard to realize the end is near? I continued to pay on a mortgage for a property that I haven't lived in one a regular basis in nearly 30 months. I need to summon the final bit of strength, the final bit of sinew and get this done, put it back into the past and find the way out...the way to a more peaceful chapter in my life.

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Trekking along...stumbling upon on a razor.

I sat up last night like so many nights recently contemplating the reasons for this occurance or that occurance in my life. Why, when, who, what, where and how did this or that occur? Trying to seek out answers to questions that not only were as tired and discouraged as I have been lately, but maybe even just resentful that I have been wasting my time during the whole process. Had all of this just been a futile perhaps even childish attempt to make sense of something, just for the sake of searching and not really hoping, wanting or trying to uncover the truth?

I have been tying up so many resources in my strange little world that I was forgetting what it was to live, what it was to just breathe and enjoy the moment.
I speak of being in the moment, but then callously tie up those very moments with wasteful, meaningless exploratory behaviour...seemingly afraid to realize that essentially William of Ockham was right...somethings are just not as difficult as they seem and simplicity does have its own bit of straight-forward magic. :)

On that note, I am revived and encouraged to relax a little more, smile a little more and simply let it all naturally unfold without the trappings of doubt, worry, contemplation or undue concern. I have allowed myself to cloak my mind and soul with a thick moss of emotional effect from nearly every person that has passed through my life in one form or another. From lovers to friends, from family to foes, I have given them all too much power over my existence, my own illumination, my own judgements, my choices, my steps, my failures, my successes, & my fears...I have worried far too long about how everyone feels about every facet of my life. Feeling ashamed of my multitude of my failures, my miscues, & my shortcomings. Feeling guilty of my steps, the losses that I caused, the blood I shed. Feeling proud only in short pre-edited clips that I felt were OK to feel without feeling like guilty or conceited.

I have allowed my path that I thought was so free and clear, that was truly mine, to be not only influenced but molded by others. Was I just a blind drone, a wayward & fearful child looking for approval so much, that I allowed myself to be manipulated into essentially becoming nothing of what I wanted? Nothing of what I admired, nothing of my true path & destiny? I choose to let it all go. Love others, care for the world, but don't lose yourself in the cloud of selfless manipulation and influence. Don't let others form you completely and change who you are simply because they have their own insecure opinions about who you should be, what you should look like and where you belong.

Be bold, be yourself and be proud. Change in yourself what you want, but be true.
Never again will I allow someone to judge me for what I have not done for them lately nor for letting them down. I am tried of carrying the weight of everyone else's opinion. I am not a stray animal looking for a home. I have always tried to maintain true to my word, but if people can not accept events I cannot control or find it acceptable to barrage me without recourse, then I simply don't desire to tolerate those negative influences in my life. I know that I am unique, vibrant & full of life. I choose to walk forward with the strength that I can become what I imagined in my fearful childhood, I can fulfill those promises to that scared, but highly imaginative little boy! I can be proud without being arrogant, I can love without feeling judged or left wanting. I can live freely...

I can be Andy. Simplicity, such magic in it. :) Thanks for the shave, William.