The Gift

 As I sit still in my home, every ounce of my body feels the weight of my transgressions, the toils of my traumas, the burdens of my past and the abdication of squandered hope.  

My body creaks like seized rusty rivets on an aged naval hull. My mind, and what remains of it, gloats on about an earlier version of itself….sharp, intelligent and curious…those characteristics long departed with my discarded neurons like the gift wrapping of a present, its loss a talisman of the loneliness I feel, the empty presence I have to unwrap daily.

For I walk alone. Not by choice, but by circumstance…alas, by my decisions… and seemingly the belief that I was worth saving by someone. I fought a good fight in so many different arenas so many different battlefields so many different conflicts. The scars and sacrifices are real, But no one gazes upon them any longer. I’m too old to be someone’s hero, anyone’s prize.

Nothing more than a living shelf to store my medals…

I remain a soldier without a soul. Nothing left but the memories, of what I used to know who I used to be. 

And the realization that this battlefield is one only strangers will be visiting, Marveling over what transpired, one day, in history. Commemorating what was love and loss…..

While I watch peacefully from the canopies nearby, in silence, my only respite…

I was the Captain once...

 Over 6 years have elapsed since love has departed...

Now, I see things differently. The magic of the long-forgotten, but indelible moments has vanished from

this solemn place. When I gaze back in longing for what was lost, there is no clear and certain 

recollection, just simply a mirage of feelings, events & embraces erased from the substrate of my soul.

I gaze in appreciation on our daughter, the only lifeline and tether point between our lost spirits, the sole 

talisman left remaining to prove that our past even existed at all...

She is the light --- the embodiment of everything good, enriching, motivating and loving in my life.

She is the catalyst for my remaining sanity, the last remaining thread of hope in this deserted, arid, 

forgotten wasteland of emotion, the last harbor still actively serving kindness in all of my existence. 

At times, I recall the past. Alas, nothing but stale crumbs lining the tattered boards of a general store once 

vibrant in its prime, now left to time to dismantle, day by day, moment by moment, memory by memory.

But I won't ever forget what you meant to me, what this meant to my soul.

Once I was the captain, oh the captain of so much vigor, fervent emotion and happiness...

Now I sit alone in the respite harbor, my only enchanting moments left are when our daughter arrives in 

port.

But at least, I have memories of what being a captain was....

At least I faced the storms, at least I believed in us once.

For you can take the ship, you can take my youth, you can even take pieces of my memory, but you 

cannot change the fact that I sailed.

For I know I was once special to someone, albeit briefly...

Tears

 I sit here in the darkness...

Unable to breathe...

Tears carving out tributaries of pain and sadness along the surfaces of my floor... Rivers of regret washing my dreams and intentions out to sea...

The salinity of my sadness displacing the sanity of my existence...

Hoping for once that the nightmare would end and I would arise in peace and In His grace.

Alas, I am alone once more. 

Deservedly so by most accounts...

My own deficits...

But, the hope of His eternal promises keeping me whole in the midst of this despair, this darkness.

I reach through the abyss for His mercy.

I bow my head in prayer...

Forgive me Father.

Restore the brokenness.

Give us strength.

Comfort us...

Wash away our tears...

Hold on...

I have no idea how we ended up here. Words being used against us, dreams shattered, memories lost,  and lives in shambles. I am so overwhelmed by sadness, grief and the loss of our friendship, the broken heart that I carry around every single day....

I am sure on some levels in the simple darkness of these moments, you feel the same....we have always felt each other....

I am sorry for the pain that I have caused... The mistakes that I have made...

I simply am sorry. 

For all of it.

I am not saying that I am sorry for the benefit of the court, the legal teams, the psychologists or anyone else who wants to judge, condemn, critique or pick apart my life, my words and my actions... I know I haven't been a perfect person to myself, to you or others... I came from brokenness. We both did to some extent....

We all fall short of perfection; we all hurt others and try to overcome our pasts, our miscues, our weaknesses, our brokenness, our shortcomings and our fears...I am perhaps more self aware, harder on myself and empathic than most, it doesn't mean that I am a bad person...

This was never what I intended. I just wanted to figure out how to get back into something with the  resemblance of a family. I wanted to prove on some levels that I wanted to be accountable and counted as her father, to be a partner. I thought it would prove my willingness to be in your lives, not divide us further. Truly...

I look back now as I weep in silence and feel that our moments were a mirage and I cannot fathom how we lost each other again...how we allowed the pain to separate us, to take away the greatest love we would ever know in this lifetime. 

I don't care if these words are used against me...

Let them judge. They haven't walked in our shoes, experienced our steps, our moments...the memories and vivid technicolor scenes that we have shared are more than most will ever wish to understand or experience. It has been larger than life and more moving than multiple lifetimes...

Alas, I am forever saddened, dismayed and brokenhearted at being apart from this, from what we have shared for so many years on so many levels..

Words are what we always had with each other and our love was never something easily explained, justified or understood by anyone outside of the close knit confines of our souls...it is what brought us together and led you to make unfathomable and unpopular choices in your own life to be here and it is the same conviction that allows me to be bold, honest and open about my feelings, even today...

I don't know how to move forward sometimes. I don't know how to carry on when the pain and loss is so vast and life changing. Regardless of what labels are applied to me, my walk or my words, I won't denounce my feelings...

it isn't who I am...what this was ever about.

This was never about conformity or other people's approval. This can never be understood, explained, justified or validated on paper...for it doesn't reside in those chambers...

It isn't why I reached out 8 years ago, why I drove to your parents house to see you again after 19 years apart, and what we carried in permanence, etched on our souls for the past 26 years...

As the days apart stack up, I can only pray.... I ask God for guidance, wisdom, forgiveness and strength every single day... For myself, for you and for our daughter...

I truly thought we were making progress. I believed we were getting close to just being good co-parents, a resemblance of friends again, sharing stories and moments in our lives.... listening and understanding each other and allowing God to heal us and work in our lives....

 

I am still here in the darkness...

I am still here praying...

When all hope is gone...... hold on.

Anticipation

In 22 and 1/2 hours, I will lay eyes upon my child. After thousands of hours of separation and moments of fear, depression and sadness, I carefully anticipate the event. The emotions of being near my best friend, her energy, her presence, her influence in these moments... will be overwhelming but it is a gate that I must pass through...

For the certain and unmistakable joy that will most likely bring me to my knees in humility and unleash the weight of the days I sat alone missing so much --- in silence, alone with God.... alone in prayer... alone in renewal.... alone in change...

I cannot shake the feelings that have defined the outlines of my heart, my life and my purpose in this lifetime.... even though I sit idle like an once appreciated item left alone in a dusty, shackled barn, I know in my heart, I still have life inside...

I cannot yet paint the canvas... as I cannot yet feel the moment.
I cannot yet express my feelings... as I cannot yet allow myself to breathe...

For so many days, I truly thought I would never see my daughter again...
Like an apparition, I was merely spoken about in lost parables or phases of brevity, of mourning, of loss, of times once lived.....

God, give me the strength, the confidence, the faith and purpose to be your intention in these moments. Allow others to see my changed heart, my changed purpose... Allow them to see you in me.

As I slowly gather my things to take the journey, I pray in silence a prayer for peace and love....
and believing that all things are possible through Christ...

Father, I am humbled and grateful for everything, every moment, every blessing....
every breath.

I pick up the brush, the canvas is set...
Let God create this masterpiece.
Amen...

Ocean

"Like a lighthouse I have been shining bright, through the dark for the both of us....and I've done it out of love, it's not enough, but God how I wish it was......"

Every time I hear the song, Ocean, it stops me, it moves me, it breaks my heart....

An artistic rendering of a story of love broken apart as the woman tries desperately to hold onto to the man and his true sad stories, lies, brokenness and depression. It echoes my own walk through space and time and my own misery at not being strong enough to hold it all together..... for myself or the both of us...

My lies were never to deceive as much as to not confront the reality of the moments before me. Mentally, I struggled to come to terms with the changes, the modulations, the nuances of the moments and their impact...the risks that were taken, that continue to be taken for this love, for me, for our family don't go unnoticed or unappreciated...

I only wish that this was enough, then or now, to swim in, to lose yourself in my waters, to risk dying, to battle the uncertainty of my demons and their affects for the promise of true love. My life is a dichotomy of parts, where the sadness washes over the purest of hearts, where my deeds, generosity,  and concerns are lost in the bitterness of a few words, where my sacrifice gets mistaken for aloofness or an unwillingness to be completely present, where my heart is questioned...

The waves, the waves, the waves, the waves...

My heart that breaks with every moment apart...every day, every mile, every minute, every moment...
My heart that has lost so much in this lifetime.... afraid, broken and timid in these times...

I own my faults, my lies, my failures, my transgressions...
I truly wish I was a better man in most moments.
I don't want to find out how much lonely I can take, before we lose this....

The waters have been ravaging for some time, but there is a certain stillness in the storms that have passed this year... a renewal of strength, of season, of purpose, a healing......a healing defined not by what was taken, but what was restored. God's faith in us, and our faith in Him....a faith for our family.

God is with us....
This time He walks with us
He leads me beside the still waters....

Truly, I wish you would trust that I won't lose you again...
I won't let you drown, I won't break your heart...

Be anxious for nothing...

And Paul said, "Be anxious for nothing....", an unassuming but powerful message, or perhaps latent order for us to live peacefully. As I try to absorb the intention of his four simple words, I pause in disbelief of my current journey....a stark and defining contrast to the multitude of prior years, moments and minutes that were shared in union, a permanence of souls somehow now departed...like a ghost in the breeze before my steps...

Time for a walk...a journey through the wilderness, striving with each step as much to find myself, as to lose myself, with the One that created all of my madness to begin with... 

In my humbled state, I stumble upon an abandoned shelter, seemingly emptied of its contents, warmth and purpose, exposed to the moon light, the darkness... and the sun in equal and absolute measure. The wooden door slightly ajar, I step forward in mild wonderment...

Only a cold anvil sits alone in the center of the room, some archaic metallic tools lay nearby...
A dim light from a nearly extinguished and weary torch draws its own conclusions as to the presence of my steps herein... Alas, there is still light, I whisper nervously to myself, looking down I counter this positive thought with my truest belief as if I was ever meant for much more than failure or loss...or to be alone in this lifetime... I shrug both moments off my frame and reach for its cold dark surface.... the anvil resonates with my soul, its dense purposeful anchoring provides me reassured strength in these moments...

I unsheathe my mind from its weighted and worn scabbard....and pray in silence.
Thoughts flutter through the air surrounding my breath...I see her face and a tear masks my sight.

As I scour back through the tangled entrapment of thoughts, memories, and final moments in her presence, I am left wanting...

Left trying to understand why again I am lost and alone, why again I am away from the only love, the only heart, the only soul that has ever moved or known me completely...

I can only surmise that it is time for me to pickup the tools and sharpen my iron...
To release the lies, the deceit, the fear, the nervousness, the anger and the pain....
To be more in this lifetime that I have allowed myself to become...
To rely on His path as my own, to find the elusive way of peace so that I can truly love others...

To quiet the belief that I need to please, that I need to be anxious, that I need to worry, to wonder, to live in fear of loss and despair....that anything is ever lacking.

As I open my eyes to the reality of my loneliness, I feel her spirit in my heart.
I smile inwardly as the final words of my prayer roll from my lips...

Be anxious for nothing.....

Be ready for anything.
Be grateful for everything.
Be humble before God...

Just be.