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Friday, June 29, 2012

Selfishly Unsettled...

Her words rang through my mind like a morning alarm clock without the luxury of a snooze button anywhere in sight.

"I am selfish for wanting this... for stepping out of bounds, for creating turmoil in your life....", she proclaimed boldly with obvious regret and discouragement in her voice. The position I was now placed in emotionally was neither envious nor redeemable to even the slightest degree. How could I quantify her remarks into something that would even begin to rationalize my feelings? My soul dropped with her pleadings of sacrifice and dismay like a child being admonished for lying about their favorite flavor of ice cream. It wasn't fair. Not here and not now are you going to interject reason into this love story. My heart raced and without careful pretense I responded, "Selfish? Are you selfish for wanting to be happy... to be loved by someone who has always cherished you? To have meaningful conversation in your life?.."

Pausing sharply, I knew I had probably said too much. Her reaction to my words was immediate and unrehearsed. I had overloaded the circuits of disciplined routine and crossed the proverbial line of emotional stability. As she walked away in obvious grief, I could hear her quietly sobbing to herself, "I am so confused......Why does something so right have to happen now?" I knew aligning her true feelings with the reality of what was present was a risky juxtaposition, that I didn't foresee. Before my words were released to the air shared between our souls, it was over. Apologies for what had transpired between us were the only remaining participants left to play out the performances on this tired stage.

As the mortar of my essence began to crumble, I held onto the promise of what this truly had become. This was more than just romantizing about the past, more than reliving something good in midst of the routine of marriage. This was truly that elusive second chance in reconnect, rediscover and reinvent your life with your one true love. One last opportunity to play out that hand that was stripped away so unmercifully two decades prior, so unjustly. We both knew that this moment wouldn't be without tremendous cost. The obvious challenge remained. Who would be willing and able to burden the expense to reap the reward of its harvest.

Did either of us trust in the power of love to that extent any longer? Did we truly believe in this?

I knew the return of her presence in my life would be as much about my own pruning as it would ever be about my prosperity. I tried to look away, partly to hide my own tears. I knew that this was all too much to shoulder and perhaps losing her a second time would indeed become the darkest finality of sorrow in this lifetime. I pleaded outwardly, "Don't walk. Don't rationalize this away...." ---- I had just exposed my own desperation. I was naked, alone & vulnerable. However, I was at peace with this moment of humility with her, as she had already seen my truest self and loved me anyhow.

I was torn. As much as love prepares you for its bounties of richness and beauty, it also requires nothing less than every bit of nerve, sinew and sacrifice that is contained within your soul....I knew this, but I was still not prepared for the moment playing out before me. Gazing over to my love now sitting on the grass in a solemn but gentle peace, I wondered what she was thinking. I gazed inwardly at my own soul and pondered, "Was I ever worth any of this to anyone? How could I be worth so much to her now?"... These discounted thoughts of self-value entered my mind, as tears carved out transparent rivers of sadness onto the ground below me.

Without warning, she lifted her head and gazed at me. Piercing my soul, I felt her eyes telling me she was still here.
She was still in this with me now, ready to believe in this dream --- as least as far as it would ever take us both. Bracing the forces of fear, resentment and rejection, I walked to her. I took her hand and we both smiled.

We had passed the first test of true love returning...
How we would fair in the next arena of battle was yet unknown...

Saturday, June 23, 2012

Rain in the well.

This well has been dry for quite some time. As I gazed inwardly I felt my heart move slightly with the notion that my barren soil, just received a drop of rain. This cannot be happening... This land was forsaken, sold to bidders who didn't cherish its existence, its heartbeat long since departed from its tired, arid veins. I cannot shake the moments that have brought me back full circle to the technicolor reality of the past. The most meaningful and moving corners of my entire life archive were now being summoned to the present. Within the walls of its deceit, I felt displaced in time to a place where my life's course changed so abruptly, so unwillingly, so permanently? Rekindling these memories, I feel as if an old 8mm reel camera springs to life... its wheels still vibrant and obedient, but what scenes will be left on the tape to play and who will be watching this performance? More importantly, how will it end? Can I handle another failed repeat performance of this act that just kept spinning without end in my soul for the last 20 years?

Living torn, knowing that I cannot change the past, I sit contemplatively trying to understand the moments that define my recent days... If I stay here at this well, will the rains continue or is this just a sick, hallowed oasis in my own mind trying to deceive my last bit of sanity? Hold the tape. Not this memory, not the most cherished set of recollections I have ever known...I know the risk in placing these reels on the projector of my life, but like the proverbial moth, I cannot ignore this flame either. I just cannot look away. Perhaps, I secretly believe in the omnipotent power of love and the beauty & calmness that still resides in this place.

Perhaps, I am just mad...

Perhaps there is one more performance left...

Perhaps we better be careful. This slope is mighty slippery.

Give me your hand...


It is just a walk, it is just me...

Wednesday, June 20, 2012


Driving without intention nor destination, my mind continued to race. Cycling through the myriad of memories presenting themselves upon the stage of my frontal lobe, as if someone tossed a hundred Polaroids into the air without care, I was captivated in the moment. I hadn't heard her voice in nearly two decades and the now the veil of silence had been lifted, albeit for a moment. I felt instinctively that my sight had been restored in some discounted way that I cannot explain. Cherishing the purity of the moment, and not the quantitative value of the experience, I smiled.

There are no ordinary moments, I pondered to myself.

I feel that my life is reaching a crossroad, and while I am not certain to what degree my path will be altered, it is still the journey that matters. My heart has not been whole in quite some time, but I have no one else to blame at this juncture. I never envisioned that I would ever be complete, not in this lifetime with the decisions I had already made. I never believed that I was ever truly understood and valuing the richness of your own worth, must came from within before the patronization can ever truly matter, if it ever should at all.

The future doesn't matter, as I have no definitive plans ---

Every second and every word. That is all I remember.