My status

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Needing Solace....

Wait, hold that shot. Just hold it. Freeze time, I am not ready to start.

As I pick myself up from the starting position on the dusty cinder track, I pretend to stretch out the time needed to regain my desire to continue as I outwardly exercise my poised frame. I just cannot get my mind and spirit engaged into the present. I cannot let this race begin, I cannot dare to hear that starter's gun explode beside my head. Not just yet.

Time lapses, but unsure of what my immediate future holds, I remain paralyzed in the moment. However, will this moment end or will the stress of my current life continue to unravel my confidence, desire & ability to continue?

As I retreat from the track, I stop. Placing my nervous hand upon my forehead, I check to even judge the reality of this event, the existence of my own body here in this moment. I feel tired, moody & generally unhappy. I ask myself "How could this be?", I have no reason to feel this way. I have no rationale for this moment of weakness nor the understanding of its meaning.

I am like a tree that is green with life on its leaves because the mechanisms of life itself never fail. Nature is perfectly, imperfect. However, I am cold within my own trunk, it is a feeling that I need to understand, quickly...

Walking to my truck, I dare not glance back. I cannot race today. I cannot support the weight of the past. I am just not ready for this. I remove the tops to my Jeep and gracefully pause in a meditative pose, seemingly asking my spirit to figure out what it needs. With the tops removed, I enter and look upward. I know I need the solace that only being with nature can bring.

The engine starts as I glance over to the clock. It reads