My status

Sunday, January 27, 2013

The Cost.

Walking slowly within an exhausted state of mind, I cautiously begin to recognize the outline of the oak tree in the distance. The tall grasses beneath and surrounding my position sway aimlessly in the fog draped air, disinterested with my presence or intentions amongst their existence. My mind, soul and heart are out of a worn slot machine, I pull as I might, but simply cannot get the fanciful symbols of luck to align themselves with my path. Perhaps, these gears will always be uniquely poised against uniformity, perhaps always out of synchronization. Perhaps therein lies my penance. As prison is not only an encampment, but a state of mind, so too are my feelings never quite settled within the walls of my journey.

The cost is far too much to bear. All moves upon this chess board will lead to the eventually demise of something that was once good --- only to have it supplanted by a truly promising embrace that I cannot bear to shoulder simply to protect those I truly love. I refrain not to limit my own gain, but to avoid the loss and disenchantment that would certainly be soon to follow. Discouraged with my own sheepish mindset and dismalness in this moment, I cease walking and kneel upon the damp ground.

I want nothing more but to end the pain and release myself from the entanglements that I have weaved between and around those who would believe that I was somehow worth loving, worth believing in, worth trusting. I count myself not within that group that harbors those exaltations but simply feel constantly admonished for knowing that I will never be worth the cost.

My spirit longs for the elusive commodity of truth....

I wish my words weren't so revealing.
I wish for nothing more than your heart.

At what cost?
At what cost does following your heart justify the sacrificial bleeding of those who once believed in you?
At what cost is my happiness worth more than the blind joy of others?
At what cost?

Leaning back, grimacing from the emotional upheaval playing out before this tired stage, I fall back onto the wet grass. Turning on my side, my clothes are now as cold and damp as my spirit.

Lying helplessly weakened in the moment, I utter to myself, "No matter the cost. I choose to be with you. No matter the space in time nor distance, I choose to be with you......"

Staring up between a sudden break in the clouds, I am now well aware ----
It is time to pay the cost --- It is time to accept the gift. 

I smile, knowing that change is coming... 
The winds providing breath to my soul, echo my words in unison.....