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Thursday, August 30, 2007

Choosing the Moment?

Tonight, I sit here a little more confused with the daily activity of my life then any other memorable day of notice, anytime of late. I sit here looking at pictures of my son and I think to myself, I don't remember being that age, ever. I possess little to no memories of my childhood, only scattered glimpses and clips, like a movie with a fast-paced, speed scene of a free-falling victim who is trying to make quick sense of their life before reaching their knowing demise. I visited Charlotte this weekend to see my son as we celebrated his 5th birthday. His actual birthday was yesterday, and I didn't call him as I was busy working till about midnight. I don't believe he minded, but just for good measure I called him tonight. He was fine. He is always "fine" --- I think back and I was also always "fine" --- Sometimes I wonder if I really was, or if I knew that I truly wasn't. :)

The nature of children: their fortitude, strength, adaptability & faith is purely amazing to me.

Somewere along the way as life sets in and choices determine the path of our lives. It is like a "Choose-Your-Own-Adventure" book, where you cannot flip to the end and then go back again and again until you make the "right choice" makes me realize that each day, I need to make the more sense of the choices I make. I certainly am not getting any younger, but I don't think about that. I just think that I need to understand what I really want vs. where my choices are leading me.
If I don't choose, do I still have to play the game?

I choose to be just Andy, nothing more or less. I don't know where I am going nor where my random jab into the grab bag of life will lead me, but I don't mind not worrying about knowing the details. I live each moment, each day, not thinking about am I on the right road, but only, am I being true to myself & true to life? I don't think about if I will still be friends with someone one day, nor if I will wake wondering about all of the people who I once loved that are no longer there.
I cannot look forward nor look back, it clouds the magic of the present: the simple beauty & spontaneous joy of life itself. I don't know how I am going to feel tomorrow, anymore than I know if the earth will implode next week. I cannot emotionally invest in something that I cannot feel today, no more than I can start crying about something that hasn't happened, just because I think I will be moved by the event when it finally does.

Somewhere along the way, I think I just get confused. Does everything have a beginning and an end? Do people start thinking when will their car stop running right after they drive it off the lot? Are they protecting themselves or their investment into life itself? Is that even possible? I owe it to myself to just keep it simple & keep it magical. There is only one spin on this crazy circular rotating sphere of life, so I need to make it count. Regardless of the outcome, I need to make sense of it...and I need to keep living in the moment. Keep living as "Andy".


Sunday, August 12, 2007

Better Days...

This week has been another one to bring me along the realization that everything truly is good. I feel stronger in my spirit ------- as a person, a father and a man. I had to learn the hard way that in my past, most people who enter my life make little if any lasting impact, usually bring loads of drama and pain, and I am left wanting so much more. Is that my issue or theirs? Is it my fault that I allow myself to be spent, to care more than they do, to love deeper without caution? I have grown to become quite selective of my time and feelings. I still don't understand the ones in my past who come around to use me and waste my time, but I am growing tired of even those juvenile games, as well. I have always joyfully received the impact of the collapses, as all of the fragile feelings crumble, each time slightly less painful than the last. I still feel that I should be more indifferent, more jaded, but it is not who I am truly inside. I still care too much to give less than who I am. I am just growing more selective now.

I cannot turn away from her, I cannot forget the moments that move me. The smiles that I long to seek out in my dreams long after her touch has departed. In the partial darkness, I whispered to her, "Where do you feel me?"...instantly almost preemptively, she leads my hand in her hand across her chest to where her heart lies beating beneath her smooth skin. In turn, I take her hand and lead it my chest. For a moment, time truly does stand still, and I feel her completely. No words, no worries, no judgements, no drama, just the reality of the moment. Those are the memories that move me, the glances of her face that I vividly record as the last bit of remaining light in the room illuminates her smile. I am grateful for her time and her presence. I am happy with the complication that this spite of the lack of rain. :)

Mr. Sun, care to lend a hand?
I drove to Covington this past weekend to volunteer for another HFH home, to run a small team to complete framing on an average Habitat home. The weather brought a tremendous burdening intensity to the normally refreshing event, as the heat index spiraled up to 120F. Mostly all of the twenty newly crowned "weekend wall-building warriors" were left wanting and whining just two hours in, leaving me with little assistance and little recourse, but to let them abdicate their voluntary vows to serve, and walk, if not run, off of the temperate jobsite.

With minimal help, we finished the framing of 8 main walls, marked the cap plates and raised most of the roof trusses, so I felt accomplished, if not a little resentful, for having to stick it out in the face of my own secret desire to find cooler shelter. Was this my reward or just part of a testament to the true spirit of "sweat equity" in volunteer home construction? I am not sure, but I am always happy to serve, even if those memories haunt my soul....sorry, wrong blog entry.

Better days? Certainly better days are not just about the ranges in temperature that nature brings, nor the feelings of overcoming guilt as my children live 900 miles away, nor the moments alone in the darkness that help raise my spirit and provide my life with a sense of peaceful adoration. It is all of this, it is life. Simple, magical, sometimes peaceful, but all of the time --- worth capturing each moment with reckless abandon & desire.

Life is good, and I am thankful for better days. :)

Monday, August 6, 2007

Tampa, straight up....with a twist.... :)

What a break from everything this weekend was. I enjoy the subtle sophistication of areas such as Tampa & its inherent sanctuary --- The trip allowed me to maintain a greater sense of lucidity and focus while also calming my nerves about my life in general. Our base was the glorious Hilton Carrilon in St. Petersburg. Room 706. I couldn't have planned the events, the moments or the weather any better than it occurred. For all practical purposes, everything went perfect in nearly all aspects of the trip, how rare is that? Perhaps, murphy was on vacation and took his lamenting laws with him this weekend --- leaving me a chance to regain my breath long since weighted and departed for so long.

Hmmm.....what about a game of minigolf? "Let's go play.....but only if you are miserable......." ;) --- It was fun! I love getting wet. :P

Emotionally, I was left feeling stronger and yet still so torn about where I stand versus where I am walking...the paths sometimes seem so clear and solid and other times I don't know what I want nor how much I can be responsible for anymore. I want things to be simple in my heart, yet I battle for complication because that was my comfort, my sense of purpose, for so long. Can anything really be this simple, or does everything come with a cost? What if I change or maybe I am no longer the "hero" then what? Does someone lose faith in me again? Do I fall out of the limelight, do they see that I do bleed as a mortal, and that I am not as great as they want me to be? Has anyone truly known me, for me? Is that something that matters to me?? Is this all just in my head, or am I really "sweet Andy"?
Does that make it so much worse? :P

How can I challenge everything that seems so perfect? Am I afraid of how I might fail someone again? How yet again I just won't be enough, is that why it is easier to not want to be simply content?

I just try to be myself, and hope what I feel might really be enough.
I smile, and I enjoy it --- but I have smiled in the midst of torture and grimaced in the hands of love, so what does that mean? As the memories of the blood I have spilled surges through my dreams & reminds me of where I have been and what I have done, I know I have no solution and I am never the answer --- but I must continue to trust in life and walk my path...and I know kindness is good...and I will continue to look for the peace I need to feel content in this life. I am blessed, I am alive and I can smile. I have good reasons to smile.

Life is good.

Thursday, August 2, 2007

What a week...

As I sit here in my jazzy "Cisco & SpeedRacer inspired" cube at work, I find myself trying to let go of the geeky thoughts that have been racing through my head for last several hours...BGP, EIGRP, redistribute routes..... "sho ip bgp neighbor x.x.x.x adv [tab] advertised-routes" --- Hey, AT&T why can't I advertise via BGP my locally originated subnet of to you? I don't know? "You know the bridge collapsed last night in Minnesota, so all routing is affected on our network" That is what I was told was the reason my routes were not working...) :P

I vacillate between thoughts of wondering where all of the intelligent people have been taken, to wondering how many were ever here to start with. This week has shown me more than I care to know about some things in my life and created even more confusion in other areas. I know I am not exactly lucid, but I don't think I know what I am trying to express, either.

I am off to Tampa tomorrow to work on a migration project between 3 remote office locations. Flying at 0600 doesn't bother me, but I just hope that everything goes smoothly and we finally have a project that we can get some "good press" --- our team really needs a win. (Heck, they are sending in their MVP, so at least we should have a fighting chance....) --- LOL.

Personally --- I have run the gambit on emotions, and I feel amazingly less stressed, even though I still have 42 projects to contend with.....I guess sometimes you just have to breathe, do your best & let it go. I am still torn about what I really want right now, and what is best, but I am just going to let everything play out and see what happens.

Life is good.