Darkness

"I am sorry for dragging you down into my darkness tonight.....it wasn't my intention", her faint, compassionate voice resonated with shameful guilt and genuine sadness. My emotional rebuttal came forth effortlessly, "I will always meet you wheresoever you are and lead you back home...." Inwardly, I knew perhaps that I was silently worried that I couldn't handle the task at hand, nor that I possessed what she needed to regain the light so often lost here in these trying moments. For I knew first hand how the foreshadowing depths of despair can truly encapsulate your every waking step and cast away the redemptive qualities that once allowed for such unbridled confidence. Emotions now displaced and scattered amongst the tattered remains of the promises that have gone unfulfilled and left your soul as empty as the branches of the barren oak during winter's shedding.

"You are so worthy of this......worthy of everything." I reminded her with soft, supportive words of sincerity and comfort. Turning away in extended silence, I knew once again I had said too much. Never knowing where the breaking points are placed, I stride attentively through her emotions and her subtle nuances like a soldier diligently outlining the path within a mind field, striving so desperately to mirror love and not regret nor sadness back unto her life. Breaking the echoes of silence, I reached for her hand knowing full well that I am simultaneously reaching for her soul, for everything that she had left to lose in this life. I cherish her vulnerability, her willingness to be completely present, and the eternal essence of her heart. 

Likewise, I cherish the times in this darkness...for when the sun cannot shine, you must generate your own warmth, your own solace. You must become your own source of light, of direction and guidance......You must transform into your own star for which to navigate back into the light, back into what God has planned. "Take my hand. Take my heart. You have always had all of me, and it truly scares me how much I love you", her words bit down deeply into the soft marrow of my soul reminding me just how blessed I am to be here in this, irregardless of the conditions surrounding us both at this juncture.

I push forward holding her hand firmly knowing that I would lay down at the doormat of death before releasing this sacred love back to the wallows of time and regret. Assured, I feel her warmth radiating back through our coupling and know without a doubt that we will make it back unto our path....back to where this was always intended....back into the basking, healing light of love and its promises that transcend all darkness, forevermore.

Walk with me always.....through the Darkness and the Light. 

Sadly Inept.

Drown me. The incessant emotions coupled with my inability to help you relinquish your pain, paralyze my steps. Watching the cathartic burning of your past and the growing anxiety of present are almost too much to bear witness to at this point. Ineptly, I respond to your words, your pleas for understanding...for clarity and support through the darkness....

I am here. Sadly, I know that is not sufficient. 

I am here. Believing it will be just enough to keep you together...

I am here. Longing to hold you and convince you that this process is for your own healing.

I am here. Believing in you and all you are and all you are not, equally.

I am here. Through the darkness and the light.

For you, I remain here. Reeling from the waves that attempt to capsize my presence here in this place.

Knowing this is not about my walk, but the very essence of your survival, I stand steadfast. 

Forevermore, I remain.

Work Space

As I relax in peace, I allow my mind and soul to wander aimlessly this morning. Without intention nor concern, thoughts ramble through my mind like air spun bingo balls waiting to find their intended chute for discovery. Recently, I have allowed myself to grow impatient, tirelessly dependent on the future and the immediacy of decisions to be made. I must remind myself in earnest that everything is in its own time, its own season. The revelation of which will only be materialized in full when the harvest has reached its zenith of maturity and it is truly time for its glorious reveal.

My work space is tidy, my mind and soul at ease for once in many seasons....many days, many moments here in this place. The undue urgency has crafted its own sense of imbalance, its own circus of chaos in a place that should know nothing but understanding and contemplation. For when you are at one with the stream that lies before your path, you feel not the rushing of the water, nor the debris carried on its surface, but simply the flow of its movement through your soul.....through the veins of life itself and the nourishment that it restores to your spirit.

For the rain merely does not dampen the grass, but quenches the soul and its unyielding thirst...
Let it rain today on my life, my path, my tidy work space. I welcome the cleansing and renewal of spirit.

Express yourself completely,
then keep quiet.
Be like the forces of nature:
when it blows, there is only wind;
when it rains, there is only rain;
when the clouds pass, the sun shines through.
Tao Te Ching - Chapter 23

Timeless...

The aged brass patina of the fan blade anchoring the corner of my wooden desk reminds me so vividly of the  inherent affects of time and the merciless way in which it carries us all forward with its own intentions regardless of our individual aspirations. Time has also rendered it own aging to my soul over so many lifetimes here in this place. I cannot turn from the moments that excite my walk, bring fervor and meaning to my heartbeat, enlighten the silent essence of my spirit...those moments all solely defined by the sound of her voice.

Other than the permanence of the aging process, time itself has not existed in this conversation.
I could walk in her embrace for the remainder of this lifetime and still be left wanting with death breathing its final chorus into my tattered existence. For with her, all moments would indeed be worth the sacrifice, worth everything.....to bask in the glory of her love for a lifetime would exceed all other alternatives and all other triumphs and lifetimes.

As I turn to drift back to the immediacy of my current reality, I pause and feel her warmth deep within the marrow of my soul. Smiling, I know that while time has ravished so much of my sanity and structure over the last two decades, it could never touch the depths of my love for her, the reflections of which provide endless hope and meaning for the remainder of my days here in this lifetime.

I do hope in earnest that it is my last visit to this place, that my unsettled soul will finally rest knowing that no greater love could be known, no greater amount of sacrifice nor fortitude could render peace from additional travels to a place I have seen marred by guilt, regret, selfishness, despair and loneliness for far too many seasons.

My forbearing walk has witnessed far too much sadness in this lifetime.

Alas, time has delivered its judicial punishment, now we must stand and bear the consequences of our joint decisions...the choices for which have always been known since the first time my heart found yours.

I choose to walk forward with you, holding your hand through the rest of my days...
For every moment with you...will forever be timeless.
Will forever be worth all of my lifetimes...

Sealed.

Separated from my flock, I still fly.

Isolated from the path of my destiny, I still marvel at the warmth of the sunrise.
Promises made, promises broken. I have never been good at making decisions in the face of fear.

Scratching my way around this nest, it almost feels like home --- at least that is what I am told home is supposed to feel like. I stretch my wings, eager to one day reunite with truth. Is that just an aging dream of an old soul that is always going to reveal its own unsettled, nomadic plight regardless of the path? Regardless of where I stand in this life? Will I always be unsettled? Will my nest never feel like home?

Surrounded, I feel alone...
Inundated by noise, I am silent...
Warm with rushing blood, I am still cold...

Perhaps, I am truly only happy when it rains...
Perhaps, the only magic left is in my own mind.

The fact still remains that at least for this life, my fate is already sealed...
The cards to be dealt are all marked.
I sit at the table and glare impatiently at the dealer.

"One more hand", I say to myself....believing in earnest that this soul has visited for the last time to this place..

On the edge...

As I listen to your words trembling forth from the recesses of your heart, I cannot help but grow somber with my new found impotence in this moment. Culpable, yet well intended I sit here in the darkness pondering the reality of your steps...the angst and frustration of your path....the weight of each breath.
Frustrated with the mundane and unable to focus, I close my eyes and reach for my only bonding solace, the essence of my walk, my heart. I cling sheepishly to what I recall has allowed me to carry onward through this life.....my essential belief in love itself. I walk forward heading towards the edge of the path that lays out before me....shadowing itself with the remaining light left on this cold dusk evening.

I feel your plight through your words that captivate and polish grandeur onto a plate that perhaps was never meant to shine so brightly. For I am not a precious metal, I just an average person with an aged soul. I stand here on the edge of these moments trying so desperately to both remain steadfast and also cloak my walk in silence to overcome the grief and guilt of my steps. Love should never been disguised nor isolated within one's mind, but alas, I cannot fully express my feelings at this juncture for fear of the consequential edge for which I walk upon.

I steady my feet and continue forth even as I dare not look back nor down as I near the proverbial edge of reason. I choose to walk here and not upon the sanctity and security of the worn path, perhaps because it is my destiny to either realize this occurrence completely or face my own tragic demise without fear nor regret. Far too often, I have been content with abdicating my dreams in exchange for the community of the masses, the tranquility of the herd, the reassurances of those also too afraid to ever truly live....ever truly love.....ever truly existing in this life.

I know what I am placing at risk here. It is nothing short of my whole essence... my life and my heart.
Rather to perish with a song of faith & love upon my lips, than bask in the colorless sunlight for decades, I surmise to myself with a new found lucidity.

I step forth.
Confident that the outcome, in either form, is a better place.....

Perfect timing.

The harmonic clicks emanating from the antique pocket watch movement placed precariously on the edge of the dark, rustic farm table nearby, distract me, albeit temporarily from the weight of these recent moments. As the metallic symphony of the watch continues in the background, my mind wanders back to better days in this... smiles, laughter, even tears were altruistic reminders of the reality of this walk, the emotions that encapsulated each step, each word was echoed with meaning, with unselfish purpose.

Struggling with the burdens of emotions so deep that I cannot bear to contemplate their net quantification, nor the steps required to ease their transport, I am saddened. Looking down, I cannot help but to envision a pile of dock lines before me, each one saturated in their own layer of guilt, sadness and grief....twisted and tangled so tightly, that hopefulness for their rectification is all but lost...

I was never good with balancing my private world with the reality of domestic affairs. Once the rigors of normalcy settles in, I fear the ambivalence that is certainly forthcoming from the decisions yet to define my next steps herein. I want so much to believe in the magic of these moments, for the faith yet to be fulfilled, the promise that for once, I will be loved by a hand that touches me.

The drama of each passing day unfolds almost with divine consistency. Perhaps when you are in the storm, you don't realize that while each day may be cloudy, lamenting over the presence of those moments is a bit repetitive unless you change your course and plot out a new destination. I choose to be here in the storm with you, holding your hand. Knowing that even without assurances and within the confines of its recklessness and angst, I am steadfast in my love for you.

For now, I am hoping this will be enough. Enough to guide you through the darkness. Enough to strengthen my resolve to remain here regardless of the duration...Enough to complete this journey and find some sentiments of serenity in this life.

I peer back once again to the silver-cased watch lying before me....as I reach for it, I notice it is still ticking strongly.....and keeping perfect time....

For now...