Fatherly Message

I think back through my life and find myself at times searching for some deeper understanding of my father. A man born into poverty in Richton, MS in a church parsonage. The boy who had to endure the trials of military academy and a orphanage as well as 13 grade schools, while at the same time realizing the lost of his own father --- by choice, he simply left his own family. What is a son without a father, without a proper role model for being a man? Why did the grandfather I never knew have to leave and give up on his own family, his future generations, give up on my own father?

While there are many ways to convict my father for the transgressions of fear, violence and abuse that permeated from his hands, I step back to wonder had his life been different, would his actions have changed likewise? Would he have been a more understanding, patient and emotional person? I juat cannot get past the understanding of his actions, nor how as a father myself to how one would injure those responsilbe only to protect and encourage. My father in spite of his negativity, sacrificed himself completely for the benefit of his children, sometimes at own expense in terms of fear and sanity, but at the end of the day --- he chose to provide his children a better life. A better life than a poor Mississippi country town, a better life than poor white trash, a better life than he ever had. The things I will always remember about my father are his work ethic, his intelligence, and mostly his convictions: "promise to always keep your word", because at the end of the day, that is sometimes all you have left to give. Sandwiched within that is the ever-present fear, violence, torture and humiliation that we all endured so regularly. I just don't know how to balance the positive with the overwhelming oppresion.

I will also remember the influence that poetry had upon this man, and the contrast between his actions as a father at times and the purity and vision captured in his poetic recitals. I will always remember the words of "If" by Kipling, the verses than rang forth from poems such as "Columbus" by J. Miller.....recalling as a child the conviction and emotion of the first lines ringing through my head, only trying to imagine the vision of the land he spoke of.... "Behind him lay the gray azores, behind him lay the gates of Hercules, Before him not the ghost of shores, before him only shoreless seas......" ---- and of course the favorites such as "Invictus" by William Henley which spoke powerfully, "I am the master of my fate...I am the captain of my soul...."

I can only hope that as a man today I can say that I have forgiven my father, but I just cannot completely understand it all. I do respect him for the good he brought, the lessons that were so painfully learned as a child, but mean so much to me as a man. My father failed, failed by inflicting us all with a tremendous amount of unnecessary harm, violence and fear. I have failed myself and grew more critical of myself due to the extreme criticism I was place under during my life. But, alas...thick skin is a good thing and it has helped me grow and be strong. I have certainly fallen short of my abilities, perhaps even my own dreams, but I have tried, tried so hard to make myself proud, to make myself feel that I have achieved something worthy...worthy of my own acceptance of myself...worthy that my children will know me to be a good father in spite of my guilt and failures of making them grow up in a broken, seperated home.

Sometimes karma has a way of making it around full-circle and you do reap what you sow.

Life has a way of reminding you all of the time how you have hurt others, how your actions have affected those who chose to be part of your life...perhaps I never truly understood how to love anyone completely, perhaps I have never truly accepted my own shortcomings, and I don't want to hurt or let anyone else down again. I will always carry the scars of the past, both received and inflicted and that is what keeps me human, keeps my reaching for something better as a man and as a father myself. I carry the weight of my guilt for those who I have hurt and that is what keeps me more private, more reserved than most. I just hope that I can keep growing and maturing into someone better than I am today. To see the need in the world, and not just the selfishness of my own walk, to see others completely and not be lost in them, but to never lose myself...again.

To be just Andy....
Smiles,
Andy

Looking Back?

I have often wondered that if you spend time thinking about the past, is it time wasted? Is it really that bad for you as long as it doesn't force you to stop moving forward in the present? Why has it always received such a strong negative outpouring of criticism and shun? Is it really akin to "he who must not be named????"

I think about my missteps, my failures and my choices much more than I care to say I think of what some might consider my more positive moments. I think I can still learn more from what I classify as my shortcomings and my failures. Not in the traditional sense of a failing grade or a failure in business, but just not handling someone's feelings with proper amount of care, or perhaps not being entirely present during a relationship, perhaps even being too honest and too concerned with myself and my walk to recognize the affect, my lack of presence had upon others...

I am constantly trying to correct my spiritual walk, my intentions and my thoughts.
I believe that it is entirely true that your thoughts help determine your path in life and at least the way you respond to the events you face. It is not up to me to figure out why some people find it easier to write people off, or banish them completely when they are part of their past. It is just one life we have to walk, collect memories of our moments, choose those we want to share these moments with, (no matter how briefly) and move onward towards our ultimate demise.

I don't fear the past, nor the demons that remind me of the steps I made both upon the road to good intentions and the road of truth. I have witnessed some incredibly moving moments, and I push myself to live life and only fear the monotony of the days that dare to remove every last bit of excitement out of my life. I look forward to new experiences, new moments, but I will never lose sight of the power of the occassional backwards glance...if only for a moment, I recall those who were once there but have gone, but will always remain in my mind and my heart.

If only for a moment, I recall the split-second trigger pulls that catapulted my life into so many new dimensions and new levels of guilt and pain. I recall the moments of horror that taught me how to appreciate the simplicity of being at peace with yourself and be more empathetic to others. I recall those who I thought I must have loved, as much I could understand that elusive spirit during those moments, but the experiences I will carry with me forever. I will cherish all of those who called me a friend and who took the incredible patience and time to truly know me, truly see through the layers, see through the pain and guilt, see the man who saw the world as a child, and knew that no matter what...it was so glorious, it was so perfect. Life is such a treasure.

So, I say the past is no more dangerous than looking down the mountainside from which you just climbed...it is a perspective, it is a way of knowing how far you have arisen, how much you have endured, and how much time you have spent on this earth...maybe even show you how fun all of this truly can be.

Laugh, Smile and Be yourself....but forget not where you have come from, nor who
you have become.

Cheers,
Andy

Moving further away from sanity?

Well, got the majority of the moving done this past weekend and got an offer on the home in Metairie already. The moving company, Atmosphere Movers were excellent and highly recommended. Unpacking boxes and trying to maintain sanity are the two major issues of the day. I measured the distance of 40.1 miles from door to door from the new home in Mandeville. Leaving at 0545CST, I got to work right at 6:35. (50 mins) This versus the 6 miles or what would take about 12-15 minutes from Metairie at the same departure time. Trade-offs...quality of life? Additional expense? yet TBD at this point, but at least the weekends should be more enjoyable! :)

Blah...Gotta get more energy and more sleep.
Pics to follow soon! :)

Growing up.......

Yesterday was my birthday and I don't feel much older than I did let's say last Monday (grin), but I guess my life is moving me closer to my final walk down the seashore...waiting patiently for Charon to guide me across the river Archeron. :P
(What a grand event to behold!)

Alas!
I do have slightly more aches and pains than I did even a few months ago, but that is probably just due to my inactivity and lack of time in the gym. I am going to join either Anytime or Snap (both 24/7 gyms in Mandeville) and use them in the evenings or mornings....shooting for a solid 3 days...heck all I need is a good eliptical machine, a smith machine and a nice selection of free weights and I am set!
I have never been comfortable in a large gym setting...prefering the focus and intensity that I get from quiet, private training. Many of the gyms have become so "active" that it is a more of a outing or a adult club than a workout facility. After-hour events, beer/wine, concerts, speed dating and cooking classes....what is all of this? Are we here to pickup people or weights?

?

In any case, feeling a little blah this week. Closing on the house next Monday (2/25)
and feel good about it...not about the $$$$ of moving and furnishing a larger home, but it comes with the plans I guess..... :)

Oh yeah....Had a nice birthday, cake with candles, shrimp pesto pasta...yummy.
All prepared for me for a nice change of pace. The cards from my children in the mailbox...it was an amazing day. Simple, yet meaningful.

This week --- almost done. Life is good.
-Andy

My kids...

After my divorce, my children moved to Charlotte, NC. It has been a few years, but we try to see each other just as often as we possibly can. It is a long way from New Orleans, but I have always tried to make it work and let them know just how amazing they truly are. Sometimes, just a memory or a glimpse of a child walking with their dad makes me get a little sad inside...and I have my moments of guilt and reflection, but I know I am a great dad. I know first hand that it is better to be from a broken home, than live in one. Now, our memories are rich, colorful and full of joy....not the struggles, sadness or pain of being in a bad marriage.

I miss them with all my heart each day. Perhaps that has always made me a more difficult person to know and love...perhaps that has made me more jaded and less trusting of my path, perhaps it has simply made me a stronger, independent soul. I know that my path is right and my children are a blessing to me, no matter where the sun sets any given day, their light always shines in my heart.

-Daddy

Moving & Valentine's Fun....

What's the next logical step to make after selling my home in Hammond?
Well, closing on a new home later this month, of course! It is in Mandeville and on the water and should be a lot better place for entertaining, having fun, drinking some good cheap wine (grin) and just enjoying life.




I don't quite get all of the Valentine's Day hype. Compelled by guilt, streams of ordinary men shuffle into their nearest 24hr drug store and peer impatiently over the sea of red (overpriced) cardboard icons of true love and herd out to deliver these gifts to their esteemed partners. Add a box of chocolate, a dozen roses and you have the perfect compilation of nausea --- that is still so appealing to most women. I think it all about control and guilt. (and whipped men) I think you love someone all of the time, all days of the year, not ones when you need to demonstrate your affection through careless gestures of prepackaged enthusiasm. (oh how grand!)
I am not saying that celebrating your bond of love is a bad thing, just don't require men to do out of pure compulsion...for only 1 day of the year.......

Ahhhh, the jadedness? the joy and the laughter......... :P
Wonder if a big box of chocolate would get me even further out of the dog house?
I wonder if the dog died of Theobromine poisoning b/c of all of the chocolate?
I wonder if I would feel different if I had grown the cacao plant myself?
Would it still be a gift or a legitimate homage????

Hey, how about a walk on the levee??????
just keep smiling and turn LEFT... LOL

I miss the simplicity and magic.

Last Parade - Trading your moments.

After all day Sunday of standing on metal stands watching and waiting for one parade Krewe after another, I finally got my last fill of parades. Visiting with my family and friends was enjoyable, but the certain misery of dealing with immature adults, jockeying for front row positions, & just being outside waiting...and watching nearly a whole day of my life get traded for a handful of colorful plastic beads, just didn't make sense. Probably just getting old some would say, others might say it was getting wiser! (or more careful of what I trade the moments of my life for)

I grew up on a major parade route, so I have many memories of chasing floats and enjoying the youthful joy of being mesmerized by the large magical parade floats since I was about 2 years old. It was an amazing joy in my life that I had attempted on a few occassions to transend into my adulthood, but it just never was the same. I have ridden several times in a some major Krewes and it is an amazing experience. When riding on the floats, you are the players, and not part of the crowd, the audience...you dictate the flow and the fun and from your seat every brief sighting of happy faces on the parade route is pure bliss. You don't witness the cussing, the jealous drunken brawls, nor the pushing and the bad attitudes. You don't always observe the drunken boyfriend and his bimbo shoving a little kid out of the way so that two grown, slightly enebreated adults can grab their fair share of plastic trinkets...and maybe for a brief moment this 38 year old girl can recapture her lost days of when she was 21 and maybe didn't have to try so hard. Fights, cussing, oh what fun...all over plastic beads, remind me this is something more, right?

I too am tired of trying so hard to realize that watching parades is a fun pastime and not just waste of time, a waste of nearly a half-day of my life...but in the midst of this bath of sour lemons, I did make some kick-a$$ lemonade! I took about 500 pictures yesterday and that was fun indeed. Captive, creative chaos all on digital media...the energy, the colors, the raw unadulterated joy was there, just all slightly less tolerable than ever before. So, these memories might have to keep me for a long time to come...

Cheers,
Andy