Promises for a New Year -

I am the type of person that embraces design, structure, planning & raw empirical detail. That is precisely why I dislike the open-ended, often emotionally charged, short-lived compilations of "New Year Resolutions" --- They are far too arbitrary, both to create and to maintain, but I will succumb to the pressures of the free-range herd and list a few of my own aspirations for 2008. (OK - only 1)

1. Have fun --- keep smiling & enjoying life. :)

Become a better person, both to my friends, coworkers, family and the needy in our community. Continue to give back, volunteer and make at least 3 trips this year for my photography fun. Scheduled for 2008:(Costa Rica, Yellowstone, Galapagos Islands/Peru) - Simply keep on believing in the best that life has to offer and keep pushing myself for higher standards & better results. Take better care of myself physically, emotionally & spiritually. Update my blog with photos at LEAST once per week! :)

Love your family --- find new ways to show you care. Continue to care about people long after they have left --- be a true friend.

Just be Andy.

Labels --- just stick them everywhere.

Its funny. Life is... The way some people label you, define you, manipulate you, use you and then blame you for the entire process. It is natural --- people want to be happy and when that happiness is taken away for any reason, even personal choice, the grapes really are sour and you become their emotional dartboard. (Ziiinnnng! Duck!) --- I recently sent an email to a friend that was not responded to at all, assuming that my actions once again are sinister. I think instead of my actions being manipulative, I think they are concerned about being hurt with my inability to be ever-present. I enjoyed our time tremendously in the past, but I don't hold on nor look back, I am just here. If they don't want to be near me for whatever reason, then I am sorry for that loss.

It is OK and sometimes life is too domestic and if that is something that I avoid, then that is my choice. I am not EEEEEEEVIL (as my daughter would say....--- it is kinda comical when she says it) - I try to be a great dad to my children and I know I am a good person. I am just looking for something not too dramatic, not too controlling, something simple. I cannot say that with my wide variety of activities, hobbies & interests, (not to mention work schedule) that my availability wouldn't be an issue for most people, but I try to keep a healthy balance in my life.

I cannot claim to be all things for everyone, nor even anything to anyone.
I am just me, and if that is not enough for some to handle --- then I guess they will not have the chance to completely understand and enjoy me. Fun times should be OK just for the sake of enjoying life, not tied up in some sort of relationship puzzle or encaged with so many expectations. I considered each step completely and I tried really hard to be considerate of the situation, but if it is easier to call me conceited and blame me for your emotional failures, then feel free to continue...

All the best,
Andy


Lighter Notes AHEAD:
Another year is upon us....time for a Christmas post with pictures! :)

Turkey & Tranquility

Well, another month of my life has drifted by, and I am still here working away at keeping some of my life's more notable events from escaping the memory of time. :)

Here is a little post-Turkey roundup: Don't ever get a disagreement with your family just before Thanksgiving. (i.e. You might be spending it alone, honesty apparently equals solitude) --- Well, at least I stood firm on my position with my brother outlaw even if it cost me a fancy feast. My kids flew in and had a wonderful time, we had our own private Turkey feast, and I must say it was probably as equally boring and sublime as it was stress-free. (if that makes any sense) Definitely the most uneventful and forgettable, while at the same time being quite calming. Calmness just doesn't seem to match any memories of my overly complicated, hectic and frantic affairs of "turkey with 20", as it has been for most of my life.

Overall, the kids were great and I do miss them dearly when they depart. Sure, it is fun being fancy free and able to do just about anything I want all of the time, but I seem to find plenty of interesting ways to fill that time --- not too much of which is truly Andy time. So, I decided to work on that just recently.

I pulled out all of my Chinese calligraphy materials including my extremely rare 300 year old hand-carved Shoushan & Jade inkstone, which weighs about 20lbs and decided that it wasn't "getting any younger" sitting in its special padded felt and gold tassled Dragon case, so I fired it up and went to work. (I mean play) - The ritual behind calligraphy or Chinese brush-painting is not the goal but the process. Every single phase is important as much if not more important than the result, which any proper Zen student worth his raked sand, would confirm means nothing and results are to be forgetten and left in the past. No Mind, No Clutter, No Drama, No Worry --- nothing but clarity --- "no mind"

A quiet drop of water and a slow deliberate grind of 100 year old black pine, hand painted inkstick onto the silky smooth stone face is quite relaxing. The focus is centered on nothing else but the ink and the releasing of stress from life itself. Your thoughts, your rambling, your life is to become as pure and clear as a gentle stream - it doesn't think about where it is supposed to be or to go, it just is. That is the magic of this for me --- losing the drama of life and for a brief moment truly residing into the path of clarity, where no one's opinion, no one's thoughts, no one's voice is heard or even desired.

The strokes of the tear-drop bamboo brush glide with deliberate force across the rice paper canvas and "art is made" --- but it is the art created in the spirit that matters more than what dries on the canvas. I think we all need to find something that allows us to truly center, to find our peace, our own place for "no mind" ---

As I look forward to Christmas, I look forward to my children and the rest of my life to be unfolded. I know I need more time to figure this part of my life out and I just don't have the answers nor the desire to know the outcomes, nor the urges to look into the well of the past. I just want to be myself, be happy in the present and then enjoy what gets created on the canvas of my life.

-Andy

Over the hump......Hammond. :)

Wow. Nearly a month and half since last blog post... :P

"Bye-Bye, Hammond" --- It is a silly phrase that I say each and every time that any weather reporter (meteorologist) on TV says, "High of 74 in *Hammond*", "*Hammond* received .75 inches of rain today", "Low of 48 in *Hammond*" --- Ding, Ding --- Right on cue, Mr. Pavlov! "Bye-Bye Hammond" --- silly, wonderful phrase that childishly indicates my abdication of a 10+ year ownership of my primary home, my domicile, my past life. After Katrina did quite a number on it, I truly never thought I would ever get it back into proper shape, much less sold. It has always been a struggle to own, to maintain and to manage it due to the amount of acreage and then expense of the upkeep. But, I kept working on at it religiously nearly each weekend over the last two years. And....I finally beat that house! I finally overcame every last obstacle and when I finally sold that place, it was 10x nicer than when I had discovered it as a rough gem a decade before. It sparkled...it was a truly wonderful place... I cannot determine its future, but at least I conquered it in the present and set it upon a wonderful course.

I will never forget the property, the memories, nor the importance of that piece of land to my emotional, physically and spiritual growth. It's was all good at the end of the day. :)

So, with that finally behind me --- I had the proper mindset to regain focus on a bunch of other areas, namely my own sanity and my kids. I immediately made reservations and flew my daughter in for a late October visit. A few days later, I made additional reservations for Thanksgiving and Christmas for Katey and Nick. I look forward to having them come visit and enjoy a wonderful holiday season. I am now just determined to work on myself, finding more time to help others with volunteer work once again, enjoying my mindless hobbies, and just try to regain some of my lost strength. I cannot afford any strange drama, emotional strain, stress or anything counter-productive to where I choose to be. I know life is uncertain, but sometimes you have to make decisions about what you will tolerate inside your strange little world and what you choose to leave out.

At the end of the day, Hammond was indeed a catalyst for my own personal growth and I am humbly grateful for both the journey and the destination.

Reporting In.....How Andy earns a living.... :)

I sit here at work....actually here is a photo of my desk area: (click pic for larger image!)




I have been meaning to stop and explain what I actually do for about the last 12 years, but I think it would be too hard to explain...suffice it to say that things like optical backbone engineering and routing tables such as this make perfect sense to me:

Gateway of last resort is 10.1.100.3 to network 0.0.0.0

170.132.0.0/32 is subnetted, 1 subnets
D EX 170.132.235.49 [170/28416] via 10.1.90.13, 02:57:29, Vlan90
170.135.0.0/32 is subnetted, 4 subnets
D EX 170.135.216.250 [170/28416] via 10.1.90.3, 02:57:29, Vlan90
B 170.135.72.77 [20/0] via 192.168.200.177, 02:57:29
B 170.135.72.80 [20/0] via 192.168.200.177, 02:57:29
D EX 170.135.128.149 [170/28416] via 10.1.90.3, 02:57:29, Vlan90
206.209.32.0/32 is subnetted, 2 subnets
D EX 206.209.32.13 [170/281856] via 10.1.90.17, 02:57:29, Vlan90
D EX 206.209.32.173 [170/281856] via 10.1.90.17, 02:57:29, Vlan90
170.209.0.0/24 is subnetted, 1 subnets
D EX 170.209.0.0 [170/3072] via 10.1.1.2, 02:57:29, Vlan99

I really enjoy my work and all that is involved, especially the hardcore technical aspects of it. It is quite fun designing, maintaining and managing very large & complex networks and directing the engineers responsible for keeping them working properly.

It is a largely unheralded job, that cuts with a double sided blade...a sliver of realization that you are just as close to being the hero as you are to being the scapegoat, so keep your wits about you and remember, you are only as good as your last performance. No laurel wreaths collecting dust around here. :P

I will route your packets for ____________

Life is good,
Andy

Stepping out of the past...

I am so stressed right now trying to get past the damage to my home, its rebuilding after Katrina tore it in half, and now finishing it up to sell it all away. I bought this home before I was married and thought it would be a great place to live, to raise children, to teach good lessons, to simply...enjoy life. After getting married young, we managed to get out there and find ways (when young and broke) to make it work. It was always a struggle, a struggle to maintain, a struggle to manage, a struggle to keep up, and a struggle to simply enjoy. There were times when I was truly proud of my place, but it always seemed there was so much more work to do than would ever get done. With my job requiring so much overtime, travel and out of pocket effort, it become a property of condemnation instead of a sanctuary. I never got past this and I never truly overcame my feelings of despair. Now, I sit here on the brink of selling it, making decent $ on the property....the end closing in finally, and I am still stressed about it.

I never realized the full potential of this place, I never was able to fully master its maintenance, management and care but I tried so hard for over 11 years to make it a place worth living. I am proud that I restored it back to a glory that it hadn't seen ever in its existence, I made it beautiful home and for that I do feel a slight degree of happiness. I am grateful for the times that I share here with my 2 children, their lives, their memories, their experiences. For the friends, family and events that transpired here, I am thankful likewise. No, regretably they were not always good times, in fact I would say most were not, and for some twisted reason I recall each moment like an overplayed track stuck in a mindless repitive groove on a old 45 caked with the dusty memories of times long gone. I am so honored to have been part of its brief passage in time, passage in my life, some 33% of my life was spent on that property, that parcel of land, that slice of "Americana"...

Why is it so hard to complete, so hard to pull together now, so hard to realize the end is near? I continued to pay on a mortgage for a property that I haven't lived in one a regular basis in nearly 30 months. I need to summon the final bit of strength, the final bit of sinew and get this done, put it back into the past and find the way out...the way to a more peaceful chapter in my life.

Trekking along...stumbling upon on a razor.

I sat up last night like so many nights recently contemplating the reasons for this occurance or that occurance in my life. Why, when, who, what, where and how did this or that occur? Trying to seek out answers to questions that not only were as tired and discouraged as I have been lately, but maybe even just resentful that I have been wasting my time during the whole process. Had all of this just been a futile perhaps even childish attempt to make sense of something, just for the sake of searching and not really hoping, wanting or trying to uncover the truth?

I have been tying up so many resources in my strange little world that I was forgetting what it was to live, what it was to just breathe and enjoy the moment.
I speak of being in the moment, but then callously tie up those very moments with wasteful, meaningless exploratory behaviour...seemingly afraid to realize that essentially William of Ockham was right...somethings are just not as difficult as they seem and simplicity does have its own bit of straight-forward magic. :)

On that note, I am revived and encouraged to relax a little more, smile a little more and simply let it all naturally unfold without the trappings of doubt, worry, contemplation or undue concern. I have allowed myself to cloak my mind and soul with a thick moss of emotional effect from nearly every person that has passed through my life in one form or another. From lovers to friends, from family to foes, I have given them all too much power over my existence, my own illumination, my own judgements, my choices, my steps, my failures, my successes, & my fears...I have worried far too long about how everyone feels about every facet of my life. Feeling ashamed of my multitude of my failures, my miscues, & my shortcomings. Feeling guilty of my steps, the losses that I caused, the blood I shed. Feeling proud only in short pre-edited clips that I felt were OK to feel without feeling like guilty or conceited.

I have allowed my path that I thought was so free and clear, that was truly mine, to be not only influenced but molded by others. Was I just a blind drone, a wayward & fearful child looking for approval so much, that I allowed myself to be manipulated into essentially becoming nothing of what I wanted? Nothing of what I admired, nothing of my true path & destiny? I choose to let it all go. Love others, care for the world, but don't lose yourself in the cloud of selfless manipulation and influence. Don't let others form you completely and change who you are simply because they have their own insecure opinions about who you should be, what you should look like and where you belong.

Be bold, be yourself and be proud. Change in yourself what you want, but be true.
Never again will I allow someone to judge me for what I have not done for them lately nor for letting them down. I am tried of carrying the weight of everyone else's opinion. I am not a stray animal looking for a home. I have always tried to maintain true to my word, but if people can not accept events I cannot control or find it acceptable to barrage me without recourse, then I simply don't desire to tolerate those negative influences in my life. I know that I am unique, vibrant & full of life. I choose to walk forward with the strength that I can become what I imagined in my fearful childhood, I can fulfill those promises to that scared, but highly imaginative little boy! I can be proud without being arrogant, I can love without feeling judged or left wanting. I can live freely...

I can be Andy. Simplicity, such magic in it. :) Thanks for the shave, William.