I sat up last night like so many nights recently contemplating the reasons for this occurance or that occurance in my life. Why, when, who, what, where and how did this or that occur? Trying to seek out answers to questions that not only were as tired and discouraged as I have been lately, but maybe even just resentful that I have been wasting my time during the whole process. Had all of this just been a futile perhaps even childish attempt to make sense of something, just for the sake of searching and not really hoping, wanting or trying to uncover the truth?
I have been tying up so many resources in my strange little world that I was forgetting what it was to live, what it was to just breathe and enjoy the moment.
I speak of being in the moment, but then callously tie up those very moments with wasteful, meaningless exploratory behaviour...seemingly afraid to realize that essentially William of Ockham was right...somethings are just not as difficult as they seem and simplicity does have its own bit of straight-forward magic. :)
On that note, I am revived and encouraged to relax a little more, smile a little more and simply let it all naturally unfold without the trappings of doubt, worry, contemplation or undue concern. I have allowed myself to cloak my mind and soul with a thick moss of emotional effect from nearly every person that has passed through my life in one form or another. From lovers to friends, from family to foes, I have given them all too much power over my existence, my own illumination, my own judgements, my choices, my steps, my failures, my successes, & my fears...I have worried far too long about how everyone feels about every facet of my life. Feeling ashamed of my multitude of my failures, my miscues, & my shortcomings. Feeling guilty of my steps, the losses that I caused, the blood I shed. Feeling proud only in short pre-edited clips that I felt were OK to feel without feeling like guilty or conceited.
I have allowed my path that I thought was so free and clear, that was truly mine, to be not only influenced but molded by others. Was I just a blind drone, a wayward & fearful child looking for approval so much, that I allowed myself to be manipulated into essentially becoming nothing of what I wanted? Nothing of what I admired, nothing of my true path & destiny? I choose to let it all go. Love others, care for the world, but don't lose yourself in the cloud of selfless manipulation and influence. Don't let others form you completely and change who you are simply because they have their own insecure opinions about who you should be, what you should look like and where you belong.
Be bold, be yourself and be proud. Change in yourself what you want, but be true.
Never again will I allow someone to judge me for what I have not done for them lately nor for letting them down. I am tried of carrying the weight of everyone else's opinion. I am not a stray animal looking for a home. I have always tried to maintain true to my word, but if people can not accept events I cannot control or find it acceptable to barrage me without recourse, then I simply don't desire to tolerate those negative influences in my life. I know that I am unique, vibrant & full of life. I choose to walk forward with the strength that I can become what I imagined in my fearful childhood, I can fulfill those promises to that scared, but highly imaginative little boy! I can be proud without being arrogant, I can love without feeling judged or left wanting. I can live freely...
I can be Andy. Simplicity, such magic in it. :) Thanks for the shave, William.
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