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Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Time with my Son

As I quietly laid beside my son and held him as he drifted to sleep, my mind was anything but rested. Thoughts of overwhelming guilt coupled with an unsettling, but genuine happiness were emerging simultaneously. How could this be? As I contemplated the moments that I have missed with my son, the days & nights that I am not able to be by his side, I took a quiet solace in this calm present. As if on cue with my thoughts, my son, who I figured had been asleep, reached over and started gently stroking & outlining my face with his little fingers as if to regain a lost shape of a memory of a dad that he occasionally loses sight for far too long.

The moment was amazingly refreshing & still painfully sad at the same time. However, to appreciate the event, I decided to place my feelings of guilt & sorrow on hold & just be still in the moment. Without remorse, without fear, requiring no absolution, requiring no further elaborate explanations, it was a blessing of just simply loving & holding your child. And for that moment, like most found while living completely in the present, it was everything.

How can I be continually blessed & loved in spite of the choices that I have made, the distance that I have allowed to be placed between us, the feelings of guilt that I carry hidden with me throughout my days?

I have no answers for the unconditional love of a child. It is a blessed gift that I appreciate with every bit of my soul. I possess a sincere hope that one day I will be able to truly be the father that I want to be, present not only in dark shadows & fleeting glimpses, but as a cornerstone to their lives, a true rock of balance & strength that they can lean & stand upon as they continue to mature.

I continue to appreciate the simple gifts of life and hold fast to my beliefs that I will continue to live in the present, the only moments that truly matter, the only moments worth living.



Smiles4soul said...
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Jamie said...

You painted such a vivid, tender picture. Your son isn't tallying the moments that you are not there, he is cherishing the moments that you are there. I find your naked reflections very inspiring and beautiful. It's so healing when we are loved so purely for no reason. I believe that is how God loves us. Just think how beautiful we would feel if we could offer ourselves this same kind of pure, unconditional love. There would be no need for regretful tears, only tears of joy. If you remain in the present then all the mistakes disappear, because mistakes can only happen in the past. In the now, there is only love. Stay in the moment where you can breathe easily and smile deeply. :-)