My status

Monday, February 20, 2012

50 more years?

50 more years?

Randomly, I received an email from a friend today with a link to a "Life Span" calculator. Supposedly, based upon family history and baseline inquiries involving health, use of recreational drugs & smoking, the magical genie told me that I had another 50 years to live.

Today is my birthday. I am 38. Not sure how I feel about birthdays anymore, but I don't celebrate them with the same revered ode of joy nor fanfare, as perhaps I once did as a child. I am just happy to be here among the living I presume and surprised that I have made it thus far.

I definitely feel that I have changed since turning 30, but in so many other ways I feel that I have remained the same. 30 feels like a lifetime ago. I can still recall the surprise dinner in Covington, LA with friends and family. Alas, so much more happened that year including filing for divorce and losing my children. I still cannot fathom that it has been that long nor that the occurrence of all of those events transpired within the same calendar year.

My daughter, Katey, just turned 16 and my son Nicholas is now 9, so I guess the dates are correct. I pause to ponder internally with a strange solemnity now, replacing the innocent vigor & jovialness that once accompanied the commencement of this posting just a few short minutes ago. No, not today. Not anymore. I cannot bear to shoulder the burdens and the miscues of the past any further down this jagged path of life.

I am officially letting go of the memories of the past to allow myself to live in the present --- completely and openly without reprise, regret nor indecision. My journey ahead has so much more to reveal to my soul, which itself is still searching for true purpose, truth & fulfillment.

Alas, I can feel the change, almost tangibly in my presence --- I know this year will be a moving testimony to life itself and the magic that still remains in my soul waiting patiently to be unleashed in its full glory and intention. I have been shrouded from the light for far too long, not believing that I still deserved to be counted in its warmth & solace.

50 years..... I can only imagine the adventures that await.

I live this day with these words on my heart...

"I love her and that's the beginning and end of everything."
F. Scott Fitzgerald

Sunday, February 12, 2012

Gaining Ground

You know sometimes when you travel, you think about the long road ahead, the inherent frustrations of the journey itself, and this makes you question the significance of the entire process. Most of the time, I admit, I feel remotely pessimistic about my own path and where this caravan of life is taking me.

Alas, there is a breaking point for me so far in 2012. I feel calmer, perhaps due to the fact that I am chronologically getting older, and just perhaps a tad bit wiser, but outside of those two imponderables, I finally feel that I am gaining ground in my walk. I sense the purpose of my step, perhaps the mortality in my veins in a more lucid light, but I am truly shedding my skin this year and it feels cathartic & hopeful.

Perhaps, my butterfly will finally emerge victoriously from this tired, aged & nearly broken chrysalis that has been my life for the last 20 years or so. I have to find a way to unleash my true purpose herein and cease my idling and I believe in earnest this is the year of that rebirth.

I cannot vividly recall a moment in time that felt so aligned with my own vision of my walk and my soul so prepared to be unmasked. Truth be known, I have felt shrouded from the light, content to survive inconspicuously in the darkness, never realizing that for true growth to occur, you need both sides of the proverbial coin ---- the yin and yang of life and the elements of God need to shower & nourish equally. Water without sunlight will not yield a good harvest.

Too long I have remained in the darkness, meditating, believing and seeking its truth, but now I need to allow God to enrich the fertile ground of my life in His glorious light, the light that needs no shadow, no shade & no allowance for abdicating my fears. It is time to position myself towards the greatness that God has intended.

Feeling a comforting warmth in my soul, I know this year will be uniquely special and if it is the end of all time, then so be it likewise, my Mayan friends.... at least, I will go out with a glorious bang of enthusiasm and contentment in my soul. I don't fear dying at this juncture, only not truly living.....