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Tuesday, January 20, 2015

Stillness & Silence...


When darkness appears, the still solitude void of thought brings inference.
The metallic click of the obedient second hand languishes with a profound hesitancy.
Every minutia of sound and echo is magnified within our placid & reflective state.
The bustling radiance of the day is reduced to a mild whisper beyond the arid field of thought.
Stillness magnified by its own summoning to the forefront of the stage, bows gracefully but remains unaware.

Reaching across the bed frame, outstretched hands instinctively map out the nearby terrain.
Boulders of formed cotton stitched precisely into delicate patterns cloud the nape of the bed.
Empty pockets of solitude trap my emotions and besiege the delicacy of my idle existence.
Gone is my soul mate, her warmth and her gracefully steady hands and angelic outline.
Her physical body departed, her loving spirit ever present in this place.

Dream softly, my love.












Monday, January 19, 2015

Dream Softly....

A little light reading before my nightly prayers at bedside.
Good night. Dream softly.


Sunday, January 18, 2015

Sitting here in the Darkness...





Pushing back the cloaks of heavy laden dreams with eyes too swollen to close, I sit, pray and think of what a transforming and hellish week it has been. My body is still conforming to a week without sleep nor nourishment. I physically am still battling for my vigor, but my heart is healing. God has truly touched my heart, my soul and my existence in this time. I had lost track of feeling His presence, His strength, His perfection. Being beaten and shaken by every fiber of my roots has transformed me completely.

I cannot shake the moments where I allowed the devil to infiltrate, steal and destroy. I wept tears of sorrow but that same vessel that once contained and overflowed with my despair will know joy in equal measure, in this lifetime. I trust a faithful God will deliver on His promise. I am living in peace, with no more distractions, mistrust or torn moments between relationships or commitments. I have finally broken my shackles, my weights, my regrets, and fear of the past and live completely content in the moment and what the present with God has to offer. I have come clean and been purified by trusting and obeying His word that the truth would set me free...and it has.

God has provided me a renewed heart, a changed spirit, a softened tongue. I consider every single second of time, calculate every individual muttering with precise knowledge of its weight and measure. I no longer believe that anything but the essence of love and God's promise is permanent. Moments are vital for in them we must recognize that we are the purveyors. We decide if the good or evil wolf will be fed. We decide the fate of our lives in each breath, in each tear, in each word we summon forth from our ravished hearts and scarred human experiences.

I see through His eyes and recognize the gift. The gift of each second, every sliver of time. For how we value every precious one of these units reveals and reflects how we value our relationship with God. I now see people with compassion, understanding, kindness, patience and the understanding that I did not embody Him in my actions, words and deeds.

I fall to my knees each morning and every evening and have already made this a daily habit. I pray asking for His strength, and I praise Him for another day of life before bed with words of love, faith and hope on my lips. I cannot yet dream softly and I may never know such a perfect restful sleep without my soul mate, but I still feel her presence, embrace and tender heart, even from a distance.

May God forgive me and continue to use me for good.
May He heal her heart, her injured spirit and remind her of His promise and restore her peace, happiness and salvation.
I lift her up with praise on my lips and a longing but thankful joy in my soul. God will honor our faithfulness, our obidience, our trust, and our unyielding faith.

I love you more than words...more than anything.
I choose love. There is nothing lacking before God.
Nothing lacking in you, nothing lacking in love.

Hold onto peace. I am here, in the darkness reaching for you, believing in faith, trusting in God for another chance, one final act for unconditional love and His perfect gift to be realized. To be honored this time. To be revered in every moment, every word. To show nothing but love, just love.

Believe that you can still live in love.
Until my final dying breath.
On my word, before God.
Stay strong. Fight against the darkness.
#notanother20 #chooselove #donthangup

Love Always,
Andrew

Saturday, January 17, 2015

Smiling through the pain for love's sake...

You know how much I hate selfies, but I wanted you to know I smile through all of our collective pain because I believe in love and God's eternal promise. I believe in God and His truth.

Love endures all things. Love heals. I am always yours.

Keep the faith. HOP. Choose love.

Smiles and Faith. IMY. ILY.


Thursday, January 1, 2015

Chapters of Life

Lights flash and promises beckon.
Elation erupts as a new dawn approaches.
We all begin again at the trail head.
Peering down the trail.
Another book begins.
365 pages.

Begin writing.
Today.



Floorboards of Change

I have seen the torments rise in front of my eyes, rows of crackling amber flames aligned perfectly in unison for my even charred purification. I peer back down the path and witness a young boy trying to outrun his life, sprint past his own childhood, intrepidly reaching for validation. People ask why I shun love and comfort. Confidants wonder why I know not the ever lasting feeling of happiness. Friends question my inability to receive love for love sake. Tired, exhausted from pain, grief and regret, they depart. Attrition is all it takes to wear down the bonds of their unconditional love. Fibers of cotton, not hardened steel is what I am presented. Inwardly, I know their fortitude is insufficient to support the weight of their lofty convictions. For they have not walked in my boots, know not of the horrors of my travels and the suffering I have endeared both as an innocent child and as a contracted asset. Their resolve quickly lost upon the challenging, the abused, the tormented, the one who bears such potential. Losing interest, capitulating to their own survival and well-being, they scatter and denounce my existence to more perfectly balance their own impotent guilt and bereavement. They always depart when I hold out just long enough for them to recognize that I may never allow myself to feel loved again.

I explain that I recognize only brief interludes of solace, separated by long intermissions of pain.
Casually this is accepted and the once stray dog that show so much promise is now just a memory.
Gather up the leash and chain, transport them in silence, arrive to the shelter, click-the door opens, clack-the door closes. Guilt is suppressed. You drive away and the world will never know of your misdeeds, promises nor the intentions squandered. Fading in the distance, your thoughts will be the only reminders of your past.

Loose hair fibers, scattered from the brief commonality of moments, litter the once pristine floorboard. Everything settles eventually to the floorboard. Change, Promise and Hope. It is all trampled upon, lost to those who don't value its existence and demands. Alas, people cannot see the floorboards as we pass through our days, they know not of where our shoes have taken us, only evidence doesn't masquerade the truth. Regardless of what we show the world, there are always reminders of how far we have ventured off course from what our masking facades would tolerate. Bits of dust, substrate and blood release their imprints.

I reach down to the floorboard and stretch to pick up the change. The metallic coins briefly send a chill through my fingers and a startling jolt through my soul. It is a warm and welcoming reminder from where I once started, and where I am now headed.

Change.

"Somebody once asked could I spare some change for gas, I need to get myself away from this place. I said yep, what a concept, I could use a little fuel myself and we could all use a little change......"









Wednesday, December 24, 2014

Conclusions and Commencements





It is only properly fitting that 2014 begins and ends within the same bit of prose, the same blog entry.

For the first time in seven years, I have be strangely removed and silent within my journey when it transposes to the authoring of my walk. I have not been myself this year in all associations of that moniker, but I also have grown in ways that have been immeasurable. My heart has never known such pivotal pain, sadness, maturation, fullness, regret, guilt, elation and indecisiveness. My soul has swung from pole to pole in its arch of good versus evil, and I likewise have shouldered my walk with both angels and devils alike. I have held the hands of the innocent, the persecuted, the strong, the feeble, the loving and the dismayed and much to my own disdain, the blood still taints the creases of my flesh in each moment. I have pushed myself to the brink this year, challenging my body and spirit like a malleable vessel spinning recklessly upon a vintage pottery wheel. Stretching my limits, but unaware and inattentive to the foregone outcome of the chaos and intention of the moments, the undulating cycles continue to haunt my step and bring disaster to my doorstep.

I have deceived hearts through my absence of truth. I have rallied strength through war cries and lifted people out of their own pits. I have saved lives while sentencing others to die for their own displaced loyalty. I have sacrificed others for my own insecurities and pain and likewise been slaughtered to bring reprieve to the selfish. I am saintly to some and a sinner to others. It is the ever present dichotomy of my existence. It is the 2-face reflection that I dare hide from myself, the split down the middle image of who I am versus who I want to be. Who I am? Who do I dare choose to become?

It is same year that I have overcome physical obstacles, pain and injury to rise from the ashes of my paltry existence and gather my strength and resolve. It is the same year that I have known no greater sense of personal disappointment and regret within my heart. I have wiped my own tears, swaying in disparity from the depths of love & happiness to the bowels of deceit and despair. I have witnessed the torment and thrashing pain that demonstrating love to me has caused. I have occupied the minds and hearts of those foolish enough to see more than what I truly am. Never before have I known such a breath of emptiness. My daughter has failed herself, not me for she could never fail her father, never fail my love for her. She is now gone, departed from my abode, my life. Such promise, I surmise. Probably what countless others have said about me and my life when I crashed and burned a couple decades ago. I still carry the ashes from my own crash site. I emerged alone, judged, devalued, jaded but committed with an iron will to succeed against all odds. Don't bet against the dark horse.

I sit here typing. Reminiscing. Pecking at plastic keys, pouring out my heart on a glowing white and gray electronic screen. I sit here typing in the dark. My new found stray dog breathing loudly on the cold travertine floor beside me. For now, my only companion. The only company that understands not the horrors of loving me. She has been healed by my hand. A very rare occurrence for anyone in my life. I sit here in outward silence screaming at the memories illustrated by the last 360 days of my existence. Recalling every moment, every smile, every tear, every pain, every bit of elation. For how momentarily the moments were, they still comprise my story, my reel of 2014.

Looking back I can only find troubling reasons to dare not glance, nor illuminate the pictures that flutter through my head. I see images, a multitude of images. Reminders that every day presents choices. Every day junctions, everyday crossroads. Every day decisions that play not merely a minute but pivotal role in the road we travel and who we choose to accompany us. I pray in earnest that I balance my heart with peace in 2015. I choose what leads me back to the side of the facade that I want to feed. The side the reflects my heart and its purity, forgiveness, strength, purpose, humility & honor.

For my dedication this year, I was crowned both a Spartan and a serpent. A hero and a heretic. A savior and a sinner. I was emblazoned with both medals of victory and crosses of condemnation. I wear them both well. Alas, isn't that life at its purest? What is a good man, except a bad man's teacher? I don't desire adorations, embellishments, nor trophies of my travels. I have never collected my winnings, never sought ribbons for my performances. Do what you do then step back, it is the only path to serenity. The medals draped across the breastplate of my life shield the sunlight from my wounds but I know of their existence, their truth.

I tip my hat to this past year and all of my moments.
I bid you farewell. I have learned from my mistakes and grown in equal measure.

My travels shall continue....

More sunlight. Less darkness.