My status

Sunday, February 11, 2024

Tattooed everything...

 In the middle of the darkened arena that envelops my soul, I cry out silently for understanding... for purpose, for direction, alas, even for favor. Maybe some God will have mercy and help guide my walk?

Committed to the journey before me and the path less traveled, my heart is afraid but unconquerable.

My spirit enriched, my mind in distorted folds of apprehension, fear and solace in equal measure.

For I know now that I must shed the molting temperance of my listless existence and blaze forward seemingly undaunted, at least on the substrate... tears of regret, guilt, disillusionment and pity crash in waves against my soul, with none to the wiser. I shutter in fear, broken by the impact of my life and those I have affected... I am sorrowful on so many levels.

Alas.....

Unfolding before me, the path reveals itself ---

My steps are shaky, but deliberate. 

My soul undaunted... my spirit unshaken.

I smile...inwardly ---- I know this is the journey I must traverse...

As I reach for my daughter's hand, I feel her heart. We are connected in permanence... in joy.

 

I am blessed.....my entire world tattooed in black, but my soul blessed in His gold.

 

 


Wednesday, May 3, 2023

Describing Love


Someone asked, “Describe love to me…”

Regrettably, I haven’t been in love in years, at least the love that I known when the sun shone upon a younger lad... I survive daily trying to cope with the trauma and pains of life in silence, in desolation. 

I surmise when I recall being in love, it was a feeling of acceptance, joy and solace, like belonging and a confidence that all was right with the world because I was near my best friend. Like being warmed by the sun without solicitation, obligation or effort. Of simply being enough… I haven’t felt that way since and sadly won’t ever feel that way again.

 I am broken, old now too and have even less time left. 

Memories are good for keeping the fleeting haunting moments of what love was at one point, alive. Love is beautiful, remarkably magical, but not for everyone.

 I was honored to have had experienced it once…

Monday, December 12, 2022

Rudderless

As I shutter to the freewill of the seas raging in full force around the hull of my life, I am captivated by the unmerciful silence of my mind. My emotions have been beaten out of my skull, transpired into the boards of my vessel, soaked into the grains of my own demise... I stare listlessly at the chaotic, but welcomed scene of impending disaster as it encircles my soul. Flames etch out an emblazoned, definite aura on the immediate horizon ahead like a harbinger of an eternal abyss just over the edge of my path.... The storms cover my life in cold waters of disbelief, hopelessness and pain...... undulating between glimpse of sunlight which appear as mirages to my sanity... I pause to witness the moon, circling in pendulum motion against the darkened sea skies... I am rudderless.


Bound to cycle from port to port, trading wares for cash.

Her words resonant over the sirens of the sea, "You must now pay for all the things that you have broken".....

 

I reach out my hand for hers. I reach out my hand for my daughter....

I am alone. 


I miss the memories now faded, once discarded back to the emptiness of my heart.

I have nothing left to hold onto. I have nothing left to journey onward...

I am defeated and disenchanted. 

I am rudderless and alone...

 

The shadows fill the scene as the ship eases into the calmness of the respite harbor.

For I know not where I will go next, but I pray in one of these ports, I shall know peace...

And purpose.


And life without storms...

I know I am undeserving in her eyes.

I weep in silence.




 

 

 



Friday, August 6, 2021

The Last Performance

 As I sit here contemplating the next steps I must take to secure my own future and the imprints of the rest of my days upon the substrate of my life, I feel isolated and alone. Gone are the feelings of hopefulness, joy and glee of her smiles, visions of a family together, the plans for my now uncertain future loom over me like a closing curtain on an overplayed stage... the backdrop of my decisions, or indecisiveness haunting what's left of my marquee performance. 

Robbing what's left of my sanity and my passion in these moments, my thoughts collapse...

Thick, red velvet curtains cloud the audience from the view from my weary position. 

Gazing downwardly at the worn planked stage floor, I am saddened....for I sit alone on my tattered wooden stool, forgotten and erased. My name long since removed from the emblazoned billboards and posters of everyone's life.

Is this my last performance?

For I keep arriving to the stage, every single day, but alas there is no music, no orchestra, no lighting, no audience. 

I play along, shrouded in the aged garments of my character's role, but oblivious to the fact that the theater is closed, boarded up and left abandoned... I exist only in the darkened shadows. 

I surmise that I have remained here hoping, praying, believing that the audience would return if I performed well enough, if they missed me enough, if they longed for something I possessed that was of some intrinsic value, something left to hold onto to, that I was something worth remembering and loving.

Alas, I am not. I never was...

Nothing really matters...

I am but a memory of my fleeting brilliance, my abdicated potentials and my forsaken dreams...

Outwardly, I am strong, bearded and tattooed. Bold, passionate, vigorous even virile....

Inwardly, I weep for the ones that I have lost. The moments, the memories...

I shoulder pails of tears for the torture, the pain and the abuse that has been levied upon me...

I weigh and measure the multitude of fears, insecurities and the assumed realization that at my age I don't have much left... both to offer and what's remaining in the proverbial hourglass. 

Sigh...

But the performance must go on...

For life isn't about one's pity or circumstance.

It is about the next step you take, the next decision you make, the next fear you face.

Even in my pain, I will continue to love, to mourn those I have lost, the ones that deserved so much more than I had to give, and to be the man, and more importantly the father that God intended for me to be.

Let the curtains rise...









Monday, April 5, 2021

Moments...

I remember the moments stretched out before me as your body once did...Your hair, eyes and glances captivating every facet of my senses.... every corner of my soul....filling every deficit in my heart.

I remember the calm, the peace and the immediate and unconditional acceptance of everything you were and everything you thought you weren't....

I felt your heart as easily as I felt your flesh...

It was fluid, moving and vulnerable...but always perfect. The utopian meshing of two kindred souls, bodies and spirits in moments that I cannot explain away as mere convenience, mere opportunities, mere occurrences... 

For Perfection is never incidental.

Alas, when you bare your soul to another, you unleash all of yourself... the parts that you want to show, to put on display....and the portions of yourself that you hide from the world. Shrouding them from sight in fear, shame, guilt, hurt or a willingness not to be judged.

A desire to be loved... Simply and completely.

In a way, we all just want to be seen...

We hurt each other. Now we must remedy one another through love, not desertion. We must take the time to heal, but not time to forget... For love knows no boundaries, no time and no space...

It exists solely for its own sake, its own growth and harvest...

The world may never comprehend our moments and you may cast them aside as happenstance, devious, disruptive and misguided, but the true memories will forever echo in the chambers of truth where no one can erase.... or belittle their existence...

I sit here waiting for my friend...

Believing in the promise of your words...

Holding on to the memories and moments that so effortlessly washed between the shores of our souls.....

Longing for your voice, your smile, your touch, your friendship....

Your perfection...



Thursday, September 17, 2020

Tears

 I sit here in the darkness...

Unable to breathe...

Tears carving out tributaries of pain and sadness along the surfaces of my floor... Rivers of regret washing my dreams and intentions out to sea...

The salinity of my sadness displacing the sanity of my existence...

Hoping for once that the nightmare would end and I would arise in peace and In His grace.

Alas, I am alone once more. 

Deservedly so by most accounts...

My own deficits...

But, the hope of His eternal promises keeping me whole in the midst of this despair, this darkness.

I reach through the abyss for His mercy.

I bow my head in prayer...

Forgive me Father.

Restore the brokenness.

Give us strength.

Comfort us...

Wash away our tears...




Hold on...

I have no idea how we ended up here. Words being used against us, dreams shattered, memories lost,  and lives in shambles. I am so overwhelmed by sadness, grief and the loss of our friendship, the broken heart that I carry around every single day....

I am sure on some levels in the simple darkness of these moments, you feel the same....we have always felt each other....

I am sorry for the pain that I have caused... The mistakes that I have made...

I simply am sorry. 

For all of it.


I am not saying that I am sorry for the benefit of the court, the legal teams, the psychologists or anyone else who wants to judge, condemn, critique or pick apart my life, my words and my actions... I know I haven't been a perfect person to myself, to you or others... I came from brokenness. We both did to some extent....

We all fall short of perfection; we all hurt others and try to overcome our pasts, our miscues, our weaknesses, our brokenness, our shortcomings and our fears...I am perhaps more self aware, harder on myself and empathic than most, it doesn't mean that I am a bad person...

This was never what I intended. I just wanted to figure out how to get back into something with the  resemblance of a family. I wanted to prove on some levels that I wanted to be accountable and counted as her father, to be a partner. I thought it would prove my willingness to be in your lives, not divide us further. Truly...

I look back now as I weep in silence and feel that our moments were a mirage and I cannot fathom how we lost each other again...how we allowed the pain to separate us, to take away the greatest love we would ever know in this lifetime. 

I don't care if these words are used against me...

Let them judge. They haven't walked in our shoes, experienced our steps, our moments...the memories and vivid technicolor scenes that we have shared are more than most will ever wish to understand or experience. It has been larger than life and more moving than multiple lifetimes...

Alas, I am forever saddened, dismayed and brokenhearted at being apart from this, from what we have shared for so many years on so many levels..

Words are what we always had with each other and our love was never something easily explained, justified or understood by anyone outside of the close knit confines of our souls...it is what brought us together and led you to make unfathomable and unpopular choices in your own life to be here and it is the same conviction that allows me to be bold, honest and open about my feelings, even today...

I don't know how to move forward sometimes. I don't know how to carry on when the pain and loss is so vast and life changing. Regardless of what labels are applied to me, my walk or my words, I won't denounce my feelings...

it isn't who I am...what this was ever about.

This was never about conformity or other people's approval. This can never be understood, explained, justified or validated on paper...for it doesn't reside in those chambers...

It isn't why I reached out 8 years ago, why I drove to your parents house to see you again after 19 years apart, and what we carried in permanence, etched on our souls for the past 26 years...

As the days apart stack up, I can only pray.... I ask God for guidance, wisdom, forgiveness and strength every single day... For myself, for you and for our daughter...

I truly thought we were making progress. I believed we were getting close to just being good co-parents, a resemblance of friends again, sharing stories and moments in our lives.... listening and understanding each other and allowing God to heal us and work in our lives....

 

I am still here in the darkness...

I am still here praying...

When all hope is gone...... hold on.