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Saturday, July 25, 2009

Empty Path....

I saw one of my sisters pass by the other day in her car as I was leaving my subdivision, and I waved. Time stopped briefly. In the midst of that simple gesture, I quickly felt that things have changed and time had taken its course on our relationship. Time has its way of teaching you both the importance of each passing moment as well as revealing the growth or subsequent decay of your relationships. Moments from the years of laughter, fun, anger, sadness, joy & sorrow that I recalled sharing with my sister entered into my head in a blazing rush.

I chalked it all up to another failed relationship, another loving sibling partnership that had been tarnished beyond recognition. Perhaps by my own hands or the influence of others, I cannot keep track of the difference that it makes anymore --- determining whose fault it might have been, whose hands are still stained, who said what, when, & how those words might justify the feeling of exile. How those words could even matter, how those words reveal the true fragility of our relationship in the first place.

These days I feel emptier than usual. Both at work, home and on my journey. I am cognizant that each step is not going to lead you to a beautiful mountain overlook, nor a calming rustling stream, some sections on your journey are just going to be walking over mundane flat land without a tree of shade, a rock of shelter, nor a valley of serenity. I go through the motions, the emotions of trying so hard to keep myself positive, motivated and passionate even in spite of the raging judgment, condemnation & solitude that I feel from those at work and elsewhere in my life.

I plan on going out today and doing some backpacking, or geocaching & just finding something in nature, the only true constant source of balance in my life, to bring me back. Bring me back to something more peaceful, more renewed, more richly rewarded. Each step with purpose of overcoming those who have let you down, learning to be a better person, to forgive those who have lost sight of the simplicity of life, lost sight of the magic of being alive for one more day.

It is easy to get discouraged with life at times, to feel that you are undervalued and perhaps giving too much of yourself is the root of your own failure, the rationale for the depth of the pain that you feel. But it part of my soul, part of my essence to always care, always carry the passion for the activities that I participate in. Always love and miss those who are both here and not present in my life anymore.

For now, I just continue to walk this journey....seeking out its purpose.
I apologize for the solemn nature of this post, but it is how I feel this morning.


Anonymous said...

I love your writing, It is so beautifully crafted.

I think you should be a photo-journalist. Truly I feel it is your life talent and passion.

I wish that you could take a year off of work,travel roads less traveled, experience simple things like blowing bubbles, watching butterflies dance,and having time to pray under the shade of a tree.

I love you more than you can understand or know. I guess it is the love of God in me, that flows so openly to you.

I feel your pain, your emptiness and loneliness. I have known these and more, as you are aware.

At times I feel like an old worn record, skipping at the same place, saying the same words, "Go to God! He is all you need. He is what you are missing. He can give you the only relationship that never fails. He is faithful."

You may not have a relationship with one sibling but you do with this one. I treasure you, admire you and cheer you on.

love your lulu sister

Anonymous said...

I thank you for your comments. I just walk my path, and I believe in trying to simply be present and aware each day. I believe in participating in what moves you, and making time for your dreams and aspirations.

Not letting any one talent, skill, hobby or arena define who you are. That is why I enjoy so much variety in my life and interests.

Do your work, then step back. The only path to serenity.