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Friday, August 6, 2021

The Last Performance

 As I sit here contemplating the next steps I must take to secure my own future and the imprints of the rest of my days upon the substrate of my life, I feel isolated and alone. Gone are the feelings of hopefulness, joy and glee of her smiles, visions of a family together, the plans for my now uncertain future loom over me like a closing curtain on an overplayed stage... the backdrop of my decisions, or indecisiveness haunting what's left of my marquee performance. 

Robbing what's left of my sanity and my passion in these moments, my thoughts collapse...

Thick, red velvet curtains cloud the audience from the view from my weary position. 

Gazing downwardly at the worn planked stage floor, I am saddened....for I sit alone on my tattered wooden stool, forgotten and erased. My name long since removed from the emblazoned billboards and posters of everyone's life.

Is this my last performance?

For I keep arriving to the stage, every single day, but alas there is no music, no orchestra, no lighting, no audience. 

I play along, shrouded in the aged garments of my character's role, but oblivious to the fact that the theater is closed, boarded up and left abandoned... I exist only in the darkened shadows. 

I surmise that I have remained here hoping, praying, believing that the audience would return if I performed well enough, if they missed me enough, if they longed for something I possessed that was of some intrinsic value, something left to hold onto to, that I was something worth remembering and loving.

Alas, I am not. I never was...

Nothing really matters...

I am but a memory of my fleeting brilliance, my abdicated potentials and my forsaken dreams...

Outwardly, I am strong, bearded and tattooed. Bold, passionate, vigorous even virile....

Inwardly, I weep for the ones that I have lost. The moments, the memories...

I shoulder pails of tears for the torture, the pain and the abuse that has been levied upon me...

I weigh and measure the multitude of fears, insecurities and the assumed realization that at my age I don't have much left... both to offer and what's remaining in the proverbial hourglass. 

Sigh...

But the performance must go on...

For life isn't about one's pity or circumstance.

It is about the next step you take, the next decision you make, the next fear you face.

Even in my pain, I will continue to love, to mourn those I have lost, the ones that deserved so much more than I had to give, and to be the man, and more importantly the father that God intended for me to be.

Let the curtains rise...









Monday, April 5, 2021

Moments...

I remember the moments stretched out before me as your body once did...Your hair, eyes and glances captivating every facet of my senses.... every corner of my soul....filling every deficit in my heart.

I remember the calm, the peace and the immediate and unconditional acceptance of everything you were and everything you thought you weren't....

I felt your heart as easily as I felt your flesh...

It was fluid, moving and vulnerable...but always perfect. The utopian meshing of two kindred souls, bodies and spirits in moments that I cannot explain away as mere convenience, mere opportunities, mere occurrences... 

For Perfection is never incidental.

Alas, when you bare your soul to another, you unleash all of yourself... the parts that you want to show, to put on display....and the portions of yourself that you hide from the world. Shrouding them from sight in fear, shame, guilt, hurt or a willingness not to be judged.

A desire to be loved... Simply and completely.

In a way, we all just want to be seen...

We hurt each other. Now we must remedy one another through love, not desertion. We must take the time to heal, but not time to forget... For love knows no boundaries, no time and no space...

It exists solely for its own sake, its own growth and harvest...

The world may never comprehend our moments and you may cast them aside as happenstance, devious, disruptive and misguided, but the true memories will forever echo in the chambers of truth where no one can erase.... or belittle their existence...

I sit here waiting for my friend...

Believing in the promise of your words...

Holding on to the memories and moments that so effortlessly washed between the shores of our souls.....

Longing for your voice, your smile, your touch, your friendship....

Your perfection...



Thursday, September 17, 2020

Tears

 I sit here in the darkness...

Unable to breathe...

Tears carving out tributaries of pain and sadness along the surfaces of my floor... Rivers of regret washing my dreams and intentions out to sea...

The salinity of my sadness displacing the sanity of my existence...

Hoping for once that the nightmare would end and I would arise in peace and In His grace.

Alas, I am alone once more. 

Deservedly so by most accounts...

My own deficits...

But, the hope of His eternal promises keeping me whole in the midst of this despair, this darkness.

I reach through the abyss for His mercy.

I bow my head in prayer...

Forgive me Father.

Restore the brokenness.

Give us strength.

Comfort us...

Wash away our tears...




Friday, May 29, 2020

Anticipation


In 22 and 1/2 hours, I will lay eyes upon my child. After thousands of hours of separation and moments of fear, depression and sadness, I carefully anticipate the event. The emotions of being near my best friend, her energy, her presence, her influence in these moments... will be overwhelming but it is a gate that I must pass through...

For the certain and unmistakable joy that will most likely bring me to my knees in humility and unleash the weight of the days I sat alone missing so much --- in silence, alone with God.... alone in prayer... alone in renewal.... alone in change...

I cannot shake the feelings that have defined the outlines of my heart, my life and my purpose in this lifetime.... even though I sit idle like an once appreciated item left alone in a dusty, shackled barn, I know in my heart, I still have life inside...

I cannot yet paint the canvas... as I cannot yet feel the moment.
I cannot yet express my feelings... as I cannot yet allow myself to breathe...

For so many days, I truly thought I would never see my daughter again...
Like an apparition, I was merely spoken about in lost parables or phases of brevity, of mourning, of loss, of times once lived.....

God, give me the strength, the confidence, the faith and purpose to be your intention in these moments. Allow others to see my changed heart, my changed purpose... Allow them to see you in me.

As I slowly gather my things to take the journey, I pray in silence a prayer for peace and love....
and believing that all things are possible through Christ...

Father, I am humbled and grateful for everything, every moment, every blessing....
every breath.

I pick up the brush, the canvas is set...
Let God create this masterpiece.
Amen...


Tuesday, May 26, 2020

Ocean


"Like a lighthouse I have been shining bright, through the dark for the both of us....and I've done it out of love, it's not enough, but God how I wish it was......"

Every time I hear the song, Ocean, it stops me, it moves me, it breaks my heart....

An artistic rendering of a story of love broken apart as the woman tries desperately to hold onto to the man and his true sad stories, lies, brokenness and depression. It echoes my own walk through space and time and my own misery at not being strong enough to hold it all together..... for myself or the both of us...

My lies were never to deceive as much as to not confront the reality of the moments before me. Mentally, I struggled to come to terms with the changes, the modulations, the nuances of the moments and their impact...the risks that were taken, that continue to be taken for this love, for me, for our family don't go unnoticed or unappreciated...

I only wish that this was enough, then or now, to swim in, to lose yourself in my waters, to risk dying, to battle the uncertainty of my demons and their affects for the promise of true love. My life is a dichotomy of parts, where the sadness washes over the purest of hearts, where my deeds, generosity,  and concerns are lost in the bitterness of a few words, where my sacrifice gets mistaken for aloofness or an unwillingness to be completely present, where my heart is questioned...

The waves, the waves, the waves, the waves...

My heart that breaks with every moment apart...every day, every mile, every minute, every moment...
My heart that has lost so much in this lifetime.... afraid, broken and timid in these times...

I own my faults, my lies, my failures, my transgressions...
I truly wish I was a better man in most moments.
I don't want to find out how much lonely I can take, before we lose this....

The waters have been ravaging for some time, but there is a certain stillness in the storms that have passed this year... a renewal of strength, of season, of purpose, a healing......a healing defined not by what was taken, but what was restored. God's faith in us, and our faith in Him....a faith for our family.

God is with us....
This time He walks with us
He leads me beside the still waters....

Truly, I wish you would trust that I won't lose you again...
I won't let you drown, I won't break your heart...














Friday, May 22, 2020

Be anxious for nothing...

And Paul said, "Be anxious for nothing....", an unassuming but powerful message, or perhaps latent order for us to live peacefully. As I try to absorb the intention of his four simple words, I pause in disbelief of my current journey....a stark and defining contrast to the multitude of prior years, moments and minutes that were shared in union, a permanence of souls somehow now departed...like a ghost in the breeze before my steps...

Time for a walk...a journey through the wilderness, striving with each step as much to find myself, as to lose myself, with the One that created all of my madness to begin with... 

In my humbled state, I stumble upon an abandoned shelter, seemingly emptied of its contents, warmth and purpose, exposed to the moon light, the darkness... and the sun in equal and absolute measure. The wooden door slightly ajar, I step forward in mild wonderment...

Only a cold anvil sits alone in the center of the room, some archaic metallic tools lay nearby...
A dim light from a nearly extinguished and weary torch draws its own conclusions as to the presence of my steps herein... Alas, there is still light, I whisper nervously to myself, looking down I counter this positive thought with my truest belief as if I was ever meant for much more than failure or loss...or to be alone in this lifetime... I shrug both moments off my frame and reach for its cold dark surface.... the anvil resonates with my soul, its dense purposeful anchoring provides me reassured strength in these moments...

I unsheathe my mind from its weighted and worn scabbard....and pray in silence.
Thoughts flutter through the air surrounding my breath...I see her face and a tear masks my sight.

As I scour back through the tangled entrapment of thoughts, memories, and final moments in her presence, I am left wanting...

Left trying to understand why again I am lost and alone, why again I am away from the only love, the only heart, the only soul that has ever moved or known me completely...

I can only surmise that it is time for me to pickup the tools and sharpen my iron...
To release the lies, the deceit, the fear, the nervousness, the anger and the pain....
To be more in this lifetime that I have allowed myself to become...
To rely on His path as my own, to find the elusive way of peace so that I can truly love others...

To quiet the belief that I need to please, that I need to be anxious, that I need to worry, to wonder, to live in fear of loss and despair....that anything is ever lacking.

As I open my eyes to the reality of my loneliness, I feel her spirit in my heart.
I smile inwardly as the final words of my prayer roll from my lips...

Be anxious for nothing.....

Be ready for anything.
Be grateful for everything.
Be humble before God...

Just be.











Wednesday, May 13, 2020

Moments Between....

I sit bewildered and dismayed at the course of my life, the unsettling weight of loss and tragedy upon my heart. I reach out my hands into the darkness and feel nothing, the outlines of her body, her soul and her spirit departed in kind from my presence. I long for her sounds to fill the echos and waves around my mind, to sort through the filters of the world to find her resonance, her inflections, her unique and heart-warming voice....

Andrew...

My name will never be spoken in the same tone, the same method, the same perfection...

I allow my head to fall, releasing the weight of moments that have transpired before me in recent days. My hands and heart are saturated, soaked in the uncommon blood of circumstance and the waters of my tears, which have been left flowing from the pools of anguish and departure...

My mind races back to the specificity of my words, my actions, my deeds in every single instance of our last moments... The scenes play out in technicolor reality upon the surface on my soul, the performance playing in infinite loop, wrapping around me with its tangible reels, snapping constantly and consistently against my weakened frame...

I still see her face, her smile, her eyes, her hair, the perfect contours of her body and the refuge of her voice.... I feel her presence before me, within me --- even when the air between us has known no greater silence...


All of these brash, vile and caustic comments cut vividly across my heart, my soul in those moments... like a fresh blade in a drug addict's unsteady hand, the trauma was lucent, was in full display... for I was drenched in the blood of our demise, soaked from the anguish, stained from the riveting violence that I had just unleashed...