Hold on...

I have no idea how we ended up here. Words being used against us, dreams shattered, memories lost,  and lives in shambles. I am so overwhelmed by sadness, grief and the loss of our friendship, the broken heart that I carry around every single day....

I am sure on some levels in the simple darkness of these moments, you feel the same....we have always felt each other....

I am sorry for the pain that I have caused... The mistakes that I have made...

I simply am sorry. 

For all of it.

I am not saying that I am sorry for the benefit of the court, the legal teams, the psychologists or anyone else who wants to judge, condemn, critique or pick apart my life, my words and my actions... I know I haven't been a perfect person to myself, to you or others... I came from brokenness. We both did to some extent....

We all fall short of perfection; we all hurt others and try to overcome our pasts, our miscues, our weaknesses, our brokenness, our shortcomings and our fears...I am perhaps more self aware, harder on myself and empathic than most, it doesn't mean that I am a bad person...

This was never what I intended. I just wanted to figure out how to get back into something with the  resemblance of a family. I wanted to prove on some levels that I wanted to be accountable and counted as her father, to be a partner. I thought it would prove my willingness to be in your lives, not divide us further. Truly...

I look back now as I weep in silence and feel that our moments were a mirage and I cannot fathom how we lost each other again...how we allowed the pain to separate us, to take away the greatest love we would ever know in this lifetime. 

I don't care if these words are used against me...

Let them judge. They haven't walked in our shoes, experienced our steps, our moments...the memories and vivid technicolor scenes that we have shared are more than most will ever wish to understand or experience. It has been larger than life and more moving than multiple lifetimes...

Alas, I am forever saddened, dismayed and brokenhearted at being apart from this, from what we have shared for so many years on so many levels..

Words are what we always had with each other and our love was never something easily explained, justified or understood by anyone outside of the close knit confines of our souls...it is what brought us together and led you to make unfathomable and unpopular choices in your own life to be here and it is the same conviction that allows me to be bold, honest and open about my feelings, even today...

I don't know how to move forward sometimes. I don't know how to carry on when the pain and loss is so vast and life changing. Regardless of what labels are applied to me, my walk or my words, I won't denounce my feelings...

it isn't who I am...what this was ever about.

This was never about conformity or other people's approval. This can never be understood, explained, justified or validated on paper...for it doesn't reside in those chambers...

It isn't why I reached out 8 years ago, why I drove to your parents house to see you again after 19 years apart, and what we carried in permanence, etched on our souls for the past 26 years...

As the days apart stack up, I can only pray.... I ask God for guidance, wisdom, forgiveness and strength every single day... For myself, for you and for our daughter...

I truly thought we were making progress. I believed we were getting close to just being good co-parents, a resemblance of friends again, sharing stories and moments in our lives.... listening and understanding each other and allowing God to heal us and work in our lives....

 

I am still here in the darkness...

I am still here praying...

When all hope is gone...... hold on.