Ocean

"Like a lighthouse I have been shining bright, through the dark for the both of us....and I've done it out of love, it's not enough, but God how I wish it was......"

Every time I hear the song, Ocean, it stops me, it moves me, it breaks my heart....

An artistic rendering of a story of love broken apart as the woman tries desperately to hold onto to the man and his true sad stories, lies, brokenness and depression. It echoes my own walk through space and time and my own misery at not being strong enough to hold it all together..... for myself or the both of us...

My lies were never to deceive as much as to not confront the reality of the moments before me. Mentally, I struggled to come to terms with the changes, the modulations, the nuances of the moments and their impact...the risks that were taken, that continue to be taken for this love, for me, for our family don't go unnoticed or unappreciated...

I only wish that this was enough, then or now, to swim in, to lose yourself in my waters, to risk dying, to battle the uncertainty of my demons and their affects for the promise of true love. My life is a dichotomy of parts, where the sadness washes over the purest of hearts, where my deeds, generosity,  and concerns are lost in the bitterness of a few words, where my sacrifice gets mistaken for aloofness or an unwillingness to be completely present, where my heart is questioned...

The waves, the waves, the waves, the waves...

My heart that breaks with every moment apart...every day, every mile, every minute, every moment...
My heart that has lost so much in this lifetime.... afraid, broken and timid in these times...

I own my faults, my lies, my failures, my transgressions...
I truly wish I was a better man in most moments.
I don't want to find out how much lonely I can take, before we lose this....

The waters have been ravaging for some time, but there is a certain stillness in the storms that have passed this year... a renewal of strength, of season, of purpose, a healing......a healing defined not by what was taken, but what was restored. God's faith in us, and our faith in Him....a faith for our family.

God is with us....
This time He walks with us
He leads me beside the still waters....

Truly, I wish you would trust that I won't lose you again...
I won't let you drown, I won't break your heart...