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Thursday, August 30, 2007

Choosing the Moment?

Tonight, I sit here a little more confused with the daily activity of my life then any other memorable day of notice, anytime of late. I sit here looking at pictures of my son and I think to myself, I don't remember being that age, ever. I possess little to no memories of my childhood, only scattered glimpses and clips, like a movie with a fast-paced, speed scene of a free-falling victim who is trying to make quick sense of their life before reaching their knowing demise. I visited Charlotte this weekend to see my son as we celebrated his 5th birthday. His actual birthday was yesterday, and I didn't call him as I was busy working till about midnight. I don't believe he minded, but just for good measure I called him tonight. He was fine. He is always "fine" --- I think back and I was also always "fine" --- Sometimes I wonder if I really was, or if I knew that I truly wasn't. :)

The nature of children: their fortitude, strength, adaptability & faith is purely amazing to me.

Somewere along the way as life sets in and choices determine the path of our lives. It is like a "Choose-Your-Own-Adventure" book, where you cannot flip to the end and then go back again and again until you make the "right choice" makes me realize that each day, I need to make the more sense of the choices I make. I certainly am not getting any younger, but I don't think about that. I just think that I need to understand what I really want vs. where my choices are leading me.
If I don't choose, do I still have to play the game?

I choose to be just Andy, nothing more or less. I don't know where I am going nor where my random jab into the grab bag of life will lead me, but I don't mind not worrying about knowing the details. I live each moment, each day, not thinking about am I on the right road, but only, am I being true to myself & true to life? I don't think about if I will still be friends with someone one day, nor if I will wake wondering about all of the people who I once loved that are no longer there.
I cannot look forward nor look back, it clouds the magic of the present: the simple beauty & spontaneous joy of life itself. I don't know how I am going to feel tomorrow, anymore than I know if the earth will implode next week. I cannot emotionally invest in something that I cannot feel today, no more than I can start crying about something that hasn't happened, just because I think I will be moved by the event when it finally does.

Somewhere along the way, I think I just get confused. Does everything have a beginning and an end? Do people start thinking when will their car stop running right after they drive it off the lot? Are they protecting themselves or their investment into life itself? Is that even possible? I owe it to myself to just keep it simple & keep it magical. There is only one spin on this crazy circular rotating sphere of life, so I need to make it count. Regardless of the outcome, I need to make sense of it...and I need to keep living in the moment. Keep living as "Andy".


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