My status

Sunday, August 12, 2007

Better Days...

This week has been another one to bring me along the realization that everything truly is good. I feel stronger in my spirit ------- as a person, a father and a man. I had to learn the hard way that in my past, most people who enter my life make little if any lasting impact, usually bring loads of drama and pain, and I am left wanting so much more. Is that my issue or theirs? Is it my fault that I allow myself to be spent, to care more than they do, to love deeper without caution? I have grown to become quite selective of my time and feelings. I still don't understand the ones in my past who come around to use me and waste my time, but I am growing tired of even those juvenile games, as well. I have always joyfully received the impact of the collapses, as all of the fragile feelings crumble, each time slightly less painful than the last. I still feel that I should be more indifferent, more jaded, but it is not who I am truly inside. I still care too much to give less than who I am. I am just growing more selective now.

I cannot turn away from her, I cannot forget the moments that move me. The smiles that I long to seek out in my dreams long after her touch has departed. In the partial darkness, I whispered to her, "Where do you feel me?"...instantly almost preemptively, she leads my hand in her hand across her chest to where her heart lies beating beneath her smooth skin. In turn, I take her hand and lead it my chest. For a moment, time truly does stand still, and I feel her completely. No words, no worries, no judgements, no drama, just the reality of the moment. Those are the memories that move me, the glances of her face that I vividly record as the last bit of remaining light in the room illuminates her smile. I am grateful for her time and her presence. I am happy with the complication that this spite of the lack of rain. :)

Mr. Sun, care to lend a hand?
I drove to Covington this past weekend to volunteer for another HFH home, to run a small team to complete framing on an average Habitat home. The weather brought a tremendous burdening intensity to the normally refreshing event, as the heat index spiraled up to 120F. Mostly all of the twenty newly crowned "weekend wall-building warriors" were left wanting and whining just two hours in, leaving me with little assistance and little recourse, but to let them abdicate their voluntary vows to serve, and walk, if not run, off of the temperate jobsite.

With minimal help, we finished the framing of 8 main walls, marked the cap plates and raised most of the roof trusses, so I felt accomplished, if not a little resentful, for having to stick it out in the face of my own secret desire to find cooler shelter. Was this my reward or just part of a testament to the true spirit of "sweat equity" in volunteer home construction? I am not sure, but I am always happy to serve, even if those memories haunt my soul....sorry, wrong blog entry.

Better days? Certainly better days are not just about the ranges in temperature that nature brings, nor the feelings of overcoming guilt as my children live 900 miles away, nor the moments alone in the darkness that help raise my spirit and provide my life with a sense of peaceful adoration. It is all of this, it is life. Simple, magical, sometimes peaceful, but all of the time --- worth capturing each moment with reckless abandon & desire.

Life is good, and I am thankful for better days. :)

No comments: