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Monday, August 6, 2007

Tampa, straight up....with a twist.... :)

What a break from everything this weekend was. I enjoy the subtle sophistication of areas such as Tampa & its inherent sanctuary --- The trip allowed me to maintain a greater sense of lucidity and focus while also calming my nerves about my life in general. Our base was the glorious Hilton Carrilon in St. Petersburg. Room 706. I couldn't have planned the events, the moments or the weather any better than it occurred. For all practical purposes, everything went perfect in nearly all aspects of the trip, how rare is that? Perhaps, murphy was on vacation and took his lamenting laws with him this weekend --- leaving me a chance to regain my breath long since weighted and departed for so long.

Hmmm.....what about a game of minigolf? "Let's go play.....but only if you are miserable......." ;) --- It was fun! I love getting wet. :P

Emotionally, I was left feeling stronger and yet still so torn about where I stand versus where I am walking...the paths sometimes seem so clear and solid and other times I don't know what I want nor how much I can be responsible for anymore. I want things to be simple in my heart, yet I battle for complication because that was my comfort, my sense of purpose, for so long. Can anything really be this simple, or does everything come with a cost? What if I change or maybe I am no longer the "hero" then what? Does someone lose faith in me again? Do I fall out of the limelight, do they see that I do bleed as a mortal, and that I am not as great as they want me to be? Has anyone truly known me, for me? Is that something that matters to me?? Is this all just in my head, or am I really "sweet Andy"?
Does that make it so much worse? :P

How can I challenge everything that seems so perfect? Am I afraid of how I might fail someone again? How yet again I just won't be enough, is that why it is easier to not want to be simply content?

I just try to be myself, and hope what I feel might really be enough.
I smile, and I enjoy it --- but I have smiled in the midst of torture and grimaced in the hands of love, so what does that mean? As the memories of the blood I have spilled surges through my dreams & reminds me of where I have been and what I have done, I know I have no solution and I am never the answer --- but I must continue to trust in life and walk my path...and I know kindness is good...and I will continue to look for the peace I need to feel content in this life. I am blessed, I am alive and I can smile. I have good reasons to smile.

Life is good.

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