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Friday, March 8, 2013

Alligators, anyone?







Reeling from relinquishing the truth of my words to the spoken air, I tremble in the darkness with deliberate pausing of breath, waiting for the faithful jesters to carry forward my admonishment. I listen intently as her voice fades into silence, and now, I hear nothing more. "I am processing", she states with obvious concern and deliberation in her voice. Slumping into my seat, I slowly attempt to retract my words in vain. Silence fills the moment once again adding weight to my heart. Deciding to carry forth the judgment on my own terms, I step down from my vehicle and walk back towards the familiar stone wall that has haunted my dreams for the last several nights. Now, completely lucid --- I am painfully aware of the stage, the performances remaining to be conducted by those who exemplify and mirror the darkness within my soul. The reptilian beasts remain in hiding waiting for my arrival. I can sense their presence even as much as they too sense the apex of this confrontation. Counterbalancing the heft of this moment with my own exposed culpability, I cannot help but envision that their continued presence indicates a showdown is approaching. The moonlight gleams across the aged brick building to my immediate right adding another layer of suspense and visibility to the scene that I simply want to conclude without bearing witness.

As my heart rate quickens, I increase my gait and clinch my fists firmly in preparation. As I approach, the silence is broken by guttural sounds of fear and warnings of danger which rumble forth as growls from the edges of the jagged stones where the beasts remain in hiding. I continue, shaken, but assured by a force more driven that my own in this moment. Suddenly, the scene fades to gray before my eyes. I reach out with my hands to touch its bleakness. Simultaneously, I halt upon hearing a familiar voice which shatters the night air, "Tell me of your alligators. There were four present, not just one. Tell me what they are." Her voice, her words slice through the layers of flesh and bone, and sever directly to my rippling soul still in awe that someone has visibility to this depth of my existence. Shuttering from pure disbelief of the accuracy of her statements, I murmur a few trite words before taking pause and choosing to reveal more of my buried truth.

Akin to Arthur freeing his weapon from stone, I instantly feel empowered to slay these demons in earnest for their continued perpetration of despair and prophetic subversion to my happiness. Gifted from a place of unconditional love, and not judgment nor disappointment, I am humbled in her presence, as always.

Cautiously, I unravel more of the truths into the open night air, allowing each one to hover before our souls as a discussion, an explanation of its own standing, its own existence. Knowing all the while, my paltry notions and attempts to clarify are weightless against the guilt that I feel which permeates all surfaces of my own soul here in this moment. Inwardly, I begin to sob at the purity of her heart and the understanding that unshackles every conceived notion that my sins were not only forgiven, but not even being quantified against our conversation. With certain immediacy, I begin to question my own significance against her overwhelming love and nurturing spirit.  How could someone love me this much? How could someone have the awareness to feel my spirit completely? When did I become this worthy of her greatness?

I fade in and out of the remainder of the conversation. Reeling from the emotions being expressed, I stumble to my knees on the cold, concrete ground. I take a deep breath and breathe in the purity of her love as my strength and faith are replenished. As my eyes regain their ability to focus, recognition of change abounds... Sunlight now beams over my shoulder warming my naked skin and ensuring comfort and solace to previously dismal and stressed composition. I stretch my arms, raising them towards the promising blue skies and smile. Erased from view are the stone walls, the demons, along with the fear that I have been harnessing in my emotional satchel, now emptied and weightless.

I stand to my feet, pausing to marvel at the context of what has unfolded before my eyes this evening.
I gaze hastily in all directions attempting in vain to locate her, but she is no longer visible.
She is with me in my heart. Her voice -- always soothes my soul. Her intentions -- always pure and loving.

I remain motionless, in awe.
For even in the midst of her continued struggles, she chooses love, not fear.
Even through the pains of despair, loneliness and strife, we will choose love, not fear.
As long as I have breath within my lungs, I will call out her name in joyous remembrance of promises made.

Made at times when the only thing of permanence through the darkness was faith in the belief that this love will see us through and the gentle murmuring of her angelic voice,

"Choose love, not fear......"



1 comment:

Lindylou said...

Choose Love, not fear!

Love, to slay those alligators.

We can never please everybody, but true to who your are.