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Sunday, December 11, 2011

Morning Message...

I felt a strong summoning this morning to walk amongst the oaks even in the midst of the solemness I viewed gazing out of the window before me. The cold early morning skies revealed not a whisper of sunlight nor happiness, just existence and an occasional reprieve that the end was truly not happening, not now at least. I have always felt tremendous power and spiritual energy from trees, especially large oaks. It is not anything you can quantify nor cast away, it is purely there for those who believe in the magic of the moment, the hidden arrangement of all moments, none of which are ever ordinary.

As I strolled with my border collie in tow, I tried in vain to escape from both the cold wind and the chills from my emotional sadness that this environment had now forced me to focus thereon. None of these burly aged oaks felt despair nor sadness with my visit, as they have witnessed my soul in so many forms over the last 15 years of visiting this park. They had seen me married once to others, carrying my new born children, walking this same soil with other dogs, families, and girlfriends. At each of those moments in time, everything seemed so certain, so permanent, but alas --- nothing ever lasted.

Vividly recounting the past and the memories that this groundhog moment recreated in my mind stopped me in my tracks. I paused and saw myself from above the large canopy of trees like a google satellite photo turned personal, deeply personal. I recounted from aged memories the steps that I must have taken with others and it mapped out trails walking in every direction in my mind, all eventually leading to nowhere, I surmised. With more resolution and detail than ever imagined, I found myself believing that this life is all individual moments. They are all transient, they are all but temporary and they all need to be cherished.

I continued to walked deeper between the large row of trees aligned like soldiers shrouding my walk with their extended swords, albeit sturdy limbs above my head. When will I be at peace, when will I understand the message enough to not fall victim again to this parade? When will I return and not feel unfulfilled and alone? I stopped and inquired to myself, feeling slightly better than no one else was around to witness my delusional behavior, but smiling knowing that those who really knew me would truly expect nothing less...

Why was I so hard to believe in and why was I never valuable enough to hold onto to?
I continue to walk with this feeling of unimportance regardless of the proverbial skins of the walls of my life. It is not pity I feel, just a sense of solitude that I enjoy most of the time, just occasionally, I find myself questioning the rationale for it to exist. Comforted, I know that this was the plan all along. Without this, my soul would have never continued to grow, continued to strengthen itself in the midst of our epicurean culture. I would have lost my touch not only with myself, but upon my walk with God.

I wouldn't call myself godly, at least in the traditional sense of this word. However, He knows how much I care, how often I call upon His wisdom, and that is more than enough for my soul to ever reveal. Turning away from the water's edge, the wind strikes me hard and bitterly upon my face as I trudge back towards my vehicle. I know I am getting closer to understanding my destiny and the purpose of this penance that I have felt for so long. Pausing for a moment, my dog instinctly sits. Reaching out my hand, I stroke the beautiful long coat of my dog, she smiles, and like a sled-dog knows it is time to return home. She pulls hard knowing the message of this moment has been received...

It is now up to me to heed its intention or simply continue to return unchanged.

1 comment:

Lindylou said...

Hi Andy,

I cherish you! You are valuable and have a God-given purpose... even still after all the missteps. The beauty of God's purpose for our life is that no matter what comes at us or what we do to detour He finds a miraculous way of using all of it together for our good! I marvel at this!

I know you have so many responsibilities... I can't imagine what it means to be a man. The weight of the welfare of others... I guess, I would not be able to take one step without in my soul seeing God standing right with me stride by stride... carrying that load instead of me. It would be the only way I could still be me and breath, and grow. It would definitely cause me to press more into Him.

God has the 'google-map' view of the entire world in His mind... at all levels of zooming in and out... at all times. Nothing happens that He doesn't see or hear... He can see deeper than "google-map" He even sees into our buildings, and more than that into our heart... our very being. It is mind boggling to imagine His inmeasurable abilities.

I guess that is why He chose 'I AM'... in those two words... three little letters He said it all!