My status

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Needing Solace....

Wait, hold that shot. Just hold it. Freeze time, I am not ready to start.

As I pick myself up from the starting position on the dusty cinder track, I pretend to stretch out the time needed to regain my desire to continue as I outwardly exercise my poised frame. I just cannot get my mind and spirit engaged into the present. I cannot let this race begin, I cannot dare to hear that starter's gun explode beside my head. Not just yet.

Time lapses, but unsure of what my immediate future holds, I remain paralyzed in the moment. However, will this moment end or will the stress of my current life continue to unravel my confidence, desire & ability to continue?

As I retreat from the track, I stop. Placing my nervous hand upon my forehead, I check to even judge the reality of this event, the existence of my own body here in this moment. I feel tired, moody & generally unhappy. I ask myself "How could this be?", I have no reason to feel this way. I have no rationale for this moment of weakness nor the understanding of its meaning.

I am like a tree that is green with life on its leaves because the mechanisms of life itself never fail. Nature is perfectly, imperfect. However, I am cold within my own trunk, it is a feeling that I need to understand, quickly...

Walking to my truck, I dare not glance back. I cannot race today. I cannot support the weight of the past. I am just not ready for this. I remove the tops to my Jeep and gracefully pause in a meditative pose, seemingly asking my spirit to figure out what it needs. With the tops removed, I enter and look upward. I know I need the solace that only being with nature can bring.

The engine starts as I glance over to the clock. It reads 11:35AM...today.

2 comments:

Lindylou said...

I type knowing I have lost my voice, knowing my choices have consequences... still, I hear you soul, and wish I could embrace this realness that dared to be seen for a moment on a road of life... it a sense a crossroad, in reality a real choice.

Faced with very tough decisions, the response is profoundly critical to the inner life of one's self - the true life - the eternal soul, that is currently within, but ultimately fully visible for eternity.

If an invisible inner soul being, is not addressed, quieted, controlled, neatly boxed for one's sake of stability and survival, but the very real the core truthful essence of life.

100 years from now, even a 1,000, what will matter is who you really are, your being - that is your eternal core... choosing to live for what is real (lasting, eternal) takes unspeakable courage, to place trust of oneself into the faithful, almighty hands of our Creator to mold, pound, twirl with the skill of the greatest potter... to refine, purify, and try under the burning blaze of experience where few will allow themselves to go.

So raw, so vulnerable, so real.
So naked, so honest, so revealed.
So surrendered to willingly endure "come what may" from the hand of ones' Maker. So few even dare to ponder such an existence.

When a the bottom looking up, God is the only one reaching out a hand. He is the rescuer, the father, the ruler, the orchestrator of ones life, if a person but allows Him absolute authority, unhindered access,full surrender of every action, attitude, word, thought... true Lordship. Not my will, but yours. Not my way, but yours. Not my life, but my life is yours....

IT IS HERE: The zenith of all decisions one choses if he will be "free at last, free at last, My God, thank God, I am free at last"!


or not....

Lindylou said...

I type knowing I have lost my voice, knowing my choices have consequences... still, I hear you soul, and wish I could embrace this realness that dared to be seen for a moment on a road of life... it a sense a crossroad, in reality a real choice.

Faced with very tough decisions, the response is profoundly critical to the inner life of one's self - the true life - the eternal soul, that is currently within, but ultimately fully visible for eternity.

If an invisible inner soul being, is not addressed, quieted, controlled, neatly boxed for one's sake of stability and survival, but the very real the core truthful essence of life.

100 years from now, even a 1,000, what will matter is who you really are, your being - that is your eternal core... choosing to live for what is real (lasting, eternal) takes unspeakable courage, to place trust of oneself into the faithful, almighty hands of our Creator to mold, pound, twirl with the skill of the greatest potter... to refine, purify, and try under the burning blaze of experience where few will allow themselves to go.

So raw, so vulnerable, so real.
So naked, so honest, so revealed.
So surrendered to willingly endure "come what may" from the hand of ones' Maker. So few even dare to ponder such an existence.

When a the bottom looking up, God is the only one reaching out a hand. He is the rescuer, the father, the ruler, the orchestrator of ones life, if a person but allows Him absolute authority, unhindered access,full surrender of every action, attitude, word, thought... true Lordship. Not my will, but yours. Not my way, but yours. Not my life, but my life is yours....

IT IS HERE: The zenith of all decisions one choses if he will be "free at last, free at last, My God, thank God, I am free at last"!


or not....