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Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Dreams of the Past ---

I woke up this morning in a confused state of mind. I had just departed a painful dream in which an ex-gf of mine was still upset with me. All of the emotions were live, not Memorex. It all seemed so real. I felt more than ever the jagged reminders of the pain that I caused some years ago now. Somehow, after all this time, I thought that I would be forgiven even remembered for something more than the last fleeting glimpses of trouble that I caused, the trauma of my recent divorce at that time.

I still feel things in the past are undone, but maybe I am just too damn stupid to live in the present or perhaps I still cannot escape the memories that haunt me for moments in which I chose not to conduct myself properly. I am not sure why the past continues to haunt my steps and reminds me of my misdeeds, my shortcomings, and ultimately my failures.

In my dream, I wasn't looking for absolution, nor pity, nor love --- just an opportunity to feel forgiven and at peace with my heart. I could still see the sadness and the mistrust in her eyes. I felt alone.

I will trust that God knows my heart. I trust that I will one day be able to walk innocently through my journeys, seeking not to recall the moments of the past. Like history, the past is not something to ignore, nor hide from --- it is something to reflect upon and to learn.

When will I ultimately be at peace?
When will I learn to forgive myself?
What was I supposed to learn from that dream?

I walk forward down the path hoping to discover these answers...

6 comments:

CML said...

In my own life I have found that it is usually much easier to forgive others than myself...

Lindylou said...

Andy,

The past keeps haunting you because you have an enemy that doesn't want you to ever live life to its potential - abundant living!

Please laugh Satan off, but he is real. Those dreams have two causes - 1) you need deal with God and confess/ repent of your bad choices and/or 2) Satan knows he can keep reminding you of the past because you have not let God forgive you by His grace.

Deal with the sin with God and tell Satan to take a hike.

After you have done your part, let it go to God. And enjoy the present.

Andy Smothers said...

Not really sure that I believe it is Satan haunting my dreams. No offense to the more biblical-minded. I just feel that perhaps I am rethinking my past emotions and actions to learn from them. It is part of making sure that I don't repeat the same mistakes now as I did in my past.

I am not at conflict with God over anything, and I don't feel any religious persecution or guilt clouding my present walk. It is not the sins of my fathers that concerns me, just my inability to come to terms with what I am supposed to learn from these images in my head.

Not everything in life is shrouded with an evil cloud of despair, religious warfare and malicious traps of Satan. Sometimes, it is just part of our overall life experiences.

Thanks for the warm wishes & religious advice in any case.
Never have too many good things nor people on your side!

Cheers,
Andy

Anonymous said...

Saw that you won $750 on WDSU today.
Bruce

Andy Smothers said...

Hey Bruce!!!!! What's up Queen of Hearts?

Lindylou said...

Hi Andy,

I don't believe Satan is in every bush or behind every turn, but where evil is - He is there! And our childhood was filled up with wicked, evil.

It is so easy to deny Satan since society also so easily denies God as the Creator. Since everything evolved, there is no need of a Creator God. Since God is what we imagine, what ever we want or need him to be, if at all, then in this world Satan can exist or not depending upon ones own desire, need, imagination.

Biblical faith is a whole different religion. It is not what I think or believe that matters. My desires or beliefs don't create reality any more than my disbelief makes something not be real. What is truth and real is independent upon my view of it.

One can think peace with God is had without personally having a relationship, but Biblically it is not a reality. God gets to make up the rules of reality - not me.

Satan exist just as much as God does but as long as he is denied he can't be effectively dealt with because if you are ignorant of the fact that you have an enemy or mis-identify your enemy - you don't stand a chance at defeating him, or holding ground against him.

You can take light my words, but be careful not to take lightly God's Words. His Words are what is important, not mine.