My status

Monday, February 20, 2012

50 more years?

50 more years?

Randomly, I received an email from a friend today with a link to a "Life Span" calculator. Supposedly, based upon family history and baseline inquiries involving health, use of recreational drugs & smoking, the magical genie told me that I had another 50 years to live.

Today is my birthday. I am 38. Not sure how I feel about birthdays anymore, but I don't celebrate them with the same revered ode of joy nor fanfare, as perhaps I once did as a child. I am just happy to be here among the living I presume and surprised that I have made it thus far.

I definitely feel that I have changed since turning 30, but in so many other ways I feel that I have remained the same. 30 feels like a lifetime ago. I can still recall the surprise dinner in Covington, LA with friends and family. Alas, so much more happened that year including filing for divorce and losing my children. I still cannot fathom that it has been that long nor that the occurrence of all of those events transpired within the same calendar year.

My daughter, Katey, just turned 16 and my son Nicholas is now 9, so I guess the dates are correct. I pause to ponder internally with a strange solemnity now, replacing the innocent vigor & jovialness that once accompanied the commencement of this posting just a few short minutes ago. No, not today. Not anymore. I cannot bear to shoulder the burdens and the miscues of the past any further down this jagged path of life.

I am officially letting go of the memories of the past to allow myself to live in the present --- completely and openly without reprise, regret nor indecision. My journey ahead has so much more to reveal to my soul, which itself is still searching for true purpose, truth & fulfillment.

Alas, I can feel the change, almost tangibly in my presence --- I know this year will be a moving testimony to life itself and the magic that still remains in my soul waiting patiently to be unleashed in its full glory and intention. I have been shrouded from the light for far too long, not believing that I still deserved to be counted in its warmth & solace.

50 years..... I can only imagine the adventures that await.

I live this day with these words on my heart...

"I love her and that's the beginning and end of everything."
F. Scott Fitzgerald

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